Cemetery Man - 1994

 Also known as Dellamorte Dellamore.

This is a long promised review going back to the beginning of the blog with the Demons series, see the rundown of the series here. Demons was an early pick as to a long running series, and I guess it was finishing Witchcraft that made me think of it.  

Both of these series also sort of represent specific "ends of eras" to me in a way as well: Witchcraft is like the fun 80-90s series which clearly depicts for me when those types of things stopped being fun or at least the type of fun I go looking for.  Then Demons here represents the end of Italian horror, and sort of Italian influence in general?

France and Italy were historically the two most important European regions in cinema.  Just, as a statement, they were.  But what happened to Italy?  One could say technically Benigni and some others are still alive as far as big name known Italian directors, but really, what was the last BIG Italian art film, or even BIG Italian crossover hit?  France continues with directors like Gaspar Noe and Claire Denis.  But not Italy, in a way, Italy lost relevance around the same time Italian horror basically stopped.

Its easy to see why this is called Demons 95 or Demons 7 or whatever.  Michele Soavi is back, as are the living dead, this time coming alive around cemetery man Rupert Everett.  There is a cool depiction of the character of Death, and there are some awesome kills and blood sequences.  So it fits the bill. 

This is perhaps the latest of any Italian horror I've seen, and it is also the last of the classic feeling horror, not leaning into the tropes which would now predominate anything like this.  Its still dialogue and character focused, its still innocent in scope and free of CGI.  There's even nudity!  I liked this a lot, and I give it 4 stars.

Witchcraft XII: In the Lair of the Serpent - 2004

 Witchcraft 12, this is the end.  I feel like maybe I am not going to return and rank them again.  Refer to the ratings of each individual movie.

Who knew that 12 was where this series jumped the shark and started the whole stepping down of nudity and replacing it with CGI.  Maybe this came earlier and I don't remember?  Anything is possible.

There’s a scene in 12 here where a dude is drinking to forget his sorrows and it’s Seagrams 7 he’s doing shots of. And the more I think of it that’s the perfect analogy of this movie. Like many a bottom shelf selection of “whiskey” Seagrams 7 is actually a “blended spirit” meaning it’s about 70% neutral grain spirit (basically vodka) and 30% whiskey. It’s essentially faking what it is, pretending to be a whiskey to get whiskey cred while secretly being something else  

That’s what these movies are. They’re a bottom shelf cheap thing which will “do the job” barely, technically, but they are for people with no self respect and no class. And you know I was going to say no shade on Seagrams, but fuck it.  Shade. Seagrams 7 sucks.

I’m also rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer right now and it strikes me how much these movies feel like the “monster of the week” random eps from like season 4.  Having a series where a warlock helps detectives fight supernatural crime is a great idea, it’s just that this didn’t work.  It’s too schlocky.

Also, people online seem to not like much beyond about Witchcraft 5.  They dip out for the fun sleazy sexy middle section of these?? They dip OUT?? What the fuck are these for, if not sad half-chub stupid fare to drink a beer (or really, Seagrams 7) to and cry that Sheila left you? That’s what these are for?! Right??! No?

Witchcraft 12 is like a slightly better version of 14-16, but when I say slightly I mean by a half a percent.  Spanner helping Lutz and Garner etc etc, nothing new here.

Witchcraft XIV: Angel of Death - 2016

 Thus the trilogy begins...and ends, since I am watching these in reverse order.

I just wanted to get in here early as I'm watching to say this is an hour 19 minute movie, 79 minutes, where the opening credits are legitimately 5 minutes of slow moving text over nothing in the background.  I'm going to see where the end credits come in too, cause I bet they're also 5 minutes.  so, an hour and 10 minutes??!

We also have such inconsistency with nudity I would almost think Tubi censored these.  Except it's clear that Tubi doesn't censor by now, and there is still nudity.  Just so little that its like....  why is there either not more, or none altogether?  Because most of these are BARELY rated R and I always find it weird when movies get the R but don't like, go for it, ya know?

It's shocking to me how boring this trilogy is.  I think I gave 15 a 1.5 and maybe 16 a half star, but really, all of these deserve nothing.  It's a trilogy where absolutely nothing is explained so you would have to have seen Witchcraft already, it kills any of the chemistry between Lutz and Garner, it has awful CGI powers that are NEVER explained and didn't appear before this, and it never once explains what the fuck was going on.  I'm going to give this one zero stars, but they all really deserve it.

White Noise - 2005

 I has been on a long run of 90s thrillers before I stopped writing entries and when I dialed up White Noise I immediately missed those and wanted more. 

Michael Keaton stars in this very if it’s time movie, a movie i remember very clearly coming out and the ads on tv. It has that last grasp of retro tech while later having early cgi. It was a strange transition time for movies. 

Keaton is a happily married man whose wife is pregnant and one day vanishes on a late night car ride home. Keaton begins to hear strange messages around 2:30am and he begins to be followed by a guy who tells him he hears dead people and has heard his wife. When Keaton learns his wife did indeed die he returns to hear what this guy has to say and discovers more than he wanted to know. 

I remember seeing ads like I said and thinking “looks dumb” but honestly this is kinda fine. It has a good build and it movie quickly and there’s genuine emotion and some ok startles. 

The acting is good and everything chugs along into a slightly convoluted end. I would say it’s got some decent stuff going for it. I guess I had low expectations. Also maybe watching awful Witchcraft movies gave me all fucked. I’ll give it like a 3.5

Witchcraft XV: Blood Rose - 2016

 Alright, so I am actually in the trilogy this time.

I'm not going to have a lot to say about this one.  This is the following:

Better than Witchcraft 16,

Worse than most Witchcrafts

Rated R seemingly for a brief flash of nipples and language

Really nothing, like so shallow it barely is even water

And really that's it.  I guess all three of these have a linear story (well, sorta, except for 16 maybe) and probably should've been watched in order but who fucking gives a fuck.  So there's demons and witches or whatever that have taken over a yoga studio and they kill some people and Will Spanner is helping Garner and Lutz blah blah blah.

I'll give it 1.5 stars.

Witchcraft XIII: Blood of the Chosen - 2008

 I can't do math.  I knew that that last 3 of this series were all filmed at the same time, so I thought to watch that trilogy next.  But I loaded Witchcraft 13 not doing math right cuz that trilogy actually would have started at 14.  Duh.

Filmed in 2005 and released 3 years later, this movie represents the odd gap that eventually happened in the Witchcraft series.  There was only one movie between 2002 and 2016 and this is it. So did this kill the franchise?  Doesn't seem so, this is about normal fare for the moment.  Except, it does represent the oddness of slowing the nudity and slowing the cheese factor down and replacing it with boring PG feeling blandness in feel.  Also I will see if 12 explains this but in 13 and 16 at least Will now has super powers?  Its just fucking stupid dude.  Why can he shoot electricity and shit?

These movies didn't have a lot to go for them to begin with, so its strange to me they would get rid of two of the largest fun factors to be had.  There's so ritualistic killings that Spanner is brought in to investigate, again, in this one.  When hearts are being ripped out and demonic creatures are seducing people, Spanner is brought in because of his connection to Garner and Lutz, who are not in this movie.

The end of this series is going to be a slog.  I'm going to save Witchcraft 12 for a reprieve after I watch 14 and 15 next.  But yikes.  This is off to a bad start.

Witchcraft VI: The Devil's Mistress - 1994

 Also maybe not seriously but jokingly known as Witchcraft 666.

Witchcraft 6 I toyed with the idea of giving 5 stars.  Note that in this case it would obviously be a 5 star rating within the series of Witchcraft films!!!  Not in General.  Again, we are not comparing to Weapons, to The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari, to The Exorcist.  

Ratings are tricky because they seem like you are comparing things to everything under the sun, no.  No I am saying within the Witchcraft series, a series of absolutely no fame and zero interest and complete dismal F level grade entertainment, this is a 5 star film.  Why?

Sex, plot, comedy that's actually kind of amusing, and it moves fast.  I mean here's the thing:  You can't really ask for a lot more than that.  Given that this series has only delivered spills and not thrills or chills I am not asking to be scared.  I am not asking for cool monsters or effects.  No.  These are dialogue heavy, actor light, nudity filled sleazefests with smell like they would have lice and exclusively drink malt liquor while they eat processed cheese.  These movies suck.  So in other words, this is a bad good movie.

There's a some killing and Garner and Lutz in their first appearance recruit Spanner to help them solve it.  They link to evil psychic villain Savatini who tried to turn Spanner to the dark side with temptation of a few women, and in the meantime Spanner's girlfriend is also in danger.

Its simple, it's straight forward, its got loads of breasts and bush in it, it has stupid dialogue and effects, its a fucking romp.  Its this mode that got me into the series and if it stays in this mode its this that will keep me going.  5 stars.

Witchcraft VII: Judgment Hour / Witchcraft VIII: Salem's Ghost - 1995/1996

 Witchcraft 7 is another return to sleaze and a movie which apparently I finished and I absolutely have no memory of.  This could have very well been last Friday when I went out and crushed about 4 beers in 2 hours, that might have something to do with it.

This entry has vampires seducing and killing people, Will Spanner is on the case, joining Lutz and Garner.  Gosh, I wish I could say I remembered much about this movie, but whatever hazy drunk memory I had is completely gone.  I think it was a bit less sleazy and a bit more just boring/generic, but who knows.

I feel like it should get like a 2.5

Witchcraft 8 is a standalone departure from the series, as it shipped out of Troma production and into the hands of another company.

A warlock is killed, cut to present day and the warlock is under the house this new couple in town just bought.  This attempt at a comedy has the warlock come back and fuck with the town and the new couple, where it manifests itself in the people surrounding the house and controls them to various extents.

This is a lot more what I might have expected from this series at this point.  I would have expected just some bad comedy standalone non-horror low budget "thing" which although this is clearly C class, it's not like TERRIBLE, its just not at all good.

Some Steve Guttenberg look-alike stars in it, and the actors aren't like the worst thing ever but this is so little scale and so terribly written that it just kinda feels like a dud.  Even with abundant nudity, this is the type of thing which feels like the Skin-emax, softcore plotline, but without enough nudity to quite be that.  I give it a 1.5

Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh - 1997

 Thiiiiiis is what I'm fuckin talking about!

I delved into the beginning of the series then I took a detour to the very end and met in the middle and its movie to the epitome of my point in the review of Witchcraft 3 and 4.  

Sleaze.  The first 31 minutes of this movie are basically nudity city as we follow a prostitute on her job.  Will Spanner is dead and his ghost is walking around in stupid but fun shenanigans, and this lady is fucking random dudes in scenes which are way too long and have nothing to do with the plot but do have nice breasts and lingerie.

Will discovers that she can hear him, due to a coma she had (?) and he is now needing her to help him out.  This movie introduces us to detective Lutz and Garner, who I guess are in Witchcraft 7 and not 8 which is a standalone film.  Ladies and gentlemen, I might skip right to Witchcraft 7 after this to watch the Lutz Garner trilogy.  Oh never mind.  Apparently they're in a ton of these, including Witchcraft 16.  Did I blink and miss them?

This is a welcome return to the style I first saw in these films, and really a style which established itself more in the sequels.  Apparently I picked the exact right place to begin watching these movies.  Number 5 may be a real standout.  Witch 9 is really good, the sleaziest so far, and with the ghost aspect thing going on, its a fun watch.

Multiple buxom women getting topless throughout, multiple rape scenes, multiple pointless sex and strip scenes.  I wonder if any women like movies like this.  I love it.  4 stars.

Witchcraft XVI: Hollywood Coven - 2016

 It seems that 3 Witchcraft movies were all filmed around the same time in Los Angeles and the franchise has now lain dormant for 9 years.  I saw online Witchcraft 17 has been greenlit but who knows.

Witchcraft 16 is a really bad movie.  It's plot revolves around a group of actors who are all trying out for a long running horror franchise called Crystal Force and its the best this shitty script can do to try and be meta, also by giving terrible actors awful dialogue about being terrible actors who have awful dialogue in these movies.  

It seems they watch Crystal Force movies and vaguely somehow different people have power and somehow something else is going on, I could not tell you at all what the plot in this movie is.  Because in part this movie feels impenetrable, and in part the movie within a movie and the movie itself scenes are indistinguishable.  Perhaps on purpose, but still I have no fucking clue what is going on.

What happened to the nudity, what happened to the good music, what happened to the fun D grade level?  Well its kinda just not there, and something have been replaced with the 2016 equivalent, such as awful CGI.  I can tell the Witchcraft series will slowly turn into this, so all I can say is that I'm glad I have like 6 more movies to go that're filmed in the 90s and still have some DIY charm.

This movie is not unwatchable.  But it's close.  Half a star.

Witchcraft III: The Kiss of Death / Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart - 1991 / 1992

 I think the key part of my enjoyment of this series is something I just landed on and is a clear differentiator movie to movie but also the key difference of what makes these low budget schlockfests different from the Hellraiser low budgets - sleaze. 

The Hellraiser films certainly dabble, especially the first one, and the ones that are into that are the best, and the thing with the Witchcraft movies is that most of the are into it, and most of them are good, so far.

We can even trace it back to the first and second Witchcraft films, which are incredibly light on sleaze and though I appreciated Witch 1 for what it was, it was not sleazy and it was not in the same vein of enjoyment as say a Witchcraft 5.  Witchcraft 3 and 4 here are both pretty fuckin' sleazy, grimy movies which really REALLY match well in that ultra low budget, amateur made film sorta way - these things just absolutely go hand in hand, and really amp up the levels of enjoyment here.

Witchcraft 3 involves a dead lady that maybe her 15 year old younger lover murdered, and Will Spanner is a newly graduated public defender or something who is involved in the case.  The plot is heavily involved in the slow seducing of Will's girlfriend by the evil guy Louis, and the cuckold angle and the weird sexual dynamics are where the sleaze comes from.

Witchcraft 4 is concerned with Will getting involved with Belladonna, who works at a strip club and is involved in a case with a dead woman.  He uncovers a sinister plot where people are selling their souls, and there's a couple creepy rapists and weirdos.  Definitely a bit more of a noir-inspired smoky hazy detective flick, this one is a tone shift from the first 3.

I mean, again, these aren't worlds better than your average Hellraiser sequel and these are lower budget and sometimes a lot less propulsive, definitely less scary violent or gory...  But somehow I am still having a good time with these.  I give Witch 3 a solid 3 stars and Witch 4 a 2 for being a lot less exciting in tone.