Pin - 1988

 What is the terminology for this type of thing where it is “take the known entity subverted in either a horror or sexual way and capitalize on that“?

Pin is added to the list of a time when I am looking for horror, versions of movies, and I watch things like Neil Jordan‘s werewolf movie and the horror version of red riding Hood and some of these I add because they’re so bad they’re good. Some of these I’m genuinely interested in what is the horror version. There is multiple evil Pinocchio movies some of which I’ve even reviewed on this.

Coming out the same year as child’s play, there’s an immediate comparison, especially because I watched child’s play recently with my girlfriend. There is a world in which this was the more successful evil doll movie and this has perhaps a sequel to instead of childplay. That’s a world I want to live in. I love child’s play, but I really liked pen a lot and it’s because of the minimalism which it has a start contrast to the Maximalism of child’s play. 

David Hewlett stars in the “is the doll alive or is it all imagined“ plotted film where with no blood and probably rated G practically you have a tense who done it thriller that delivers. I don’t know what to say man, I’m kind of blown away by how good it was while at the same time it’s not like it’s a hidden gold. It’s definitely under scene and under talked about, but I still feel like it’s not Exactly a masterpiece.

What makes it not a masterpiece is also what makes it interesting. It’s the lack of explanation as we have Terry Quinn, as a doctor with an anatomical ventriloquist dummy that he uses in his lab. He terrorizes his kids with it, and eventually after dying in a car accident, the kids are still attached to the doll, especially Liam, the boy. So is given more and more agency and Liam is now possibly voicing, pen or pen is alive or both and we go from there as that influences his relationship with his sister. 

There’s a lot going on here and there’s a lot of hints towards things that multiple times but all you really need to know is that it’s an excuse for who done it thriller type stuff and cool creepy scenes with dummies. Any fan of ventriloquist base horror would be overjoyed. I’d say slightly under explored rope and so for me it’s one that I enjoy seeing here and there, and this is a great example of it so I’m gonna give it like a 3 1/2. I keep wanting to go towards four but honestly, I don’t think it’s that great.

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama / A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell - 1988/1990

 Haven't done a double in a while and these two certainly had some things in common.  First of all, a double 7/10 on the clunk-ometer for these names.  

These are both added to the list at a time in my life where I'm watching things like Dollman and Gingerdead Man and I'm doing it alone, trying to see how much fun these cult movies are when you're flying solo.  These are some of the Full Moon Productions or Troma trashy "fun cult movies" that I discover and add to the list and then as I look over the list now I'm like, there are more of these with Nudist Colony of the Dead and Frankenhooker.  These are going to be a haul.

The truth is, I never got a ton out of watching these solo and I still don't.  The fun to be had is and was always with groups, where you can laugh at the movie together and take rips from the bong and drink Hurricane High Gravity and not touch any girl.  These are the fun things I used to to, and even then, like Hell Comes to Frogtown, which I had in that very experience once or twice, there's a glass ceiling.

You need something well paced is the key to this sort of thing.  Sorority Babes is close.  Is had a monkeys paw "be careful what you wish for" sorta thing as teens wish to be prom queen, to have sex, and for money.  An evil Imp grants these wished, but naturally has it's own agenda.  It has nudity, a medium to good amount of fun factor, and you know, it would be a fun drinky smoky group movie.  I give it a 4.

Nymphoid Barbarian starts with self-aware audacity, introducing the character and declaring "look here audience.  its a fuckin' nymph movie in a dinosaur world, this is going to be a goddamn blast" and the thing with that is, you must deliver when you promise that fun.  So the idea here, is does it work?

Well, you know, not really.  Number one, if the title Nymphoid wasn't there, you wouldn't connect anything sexual with this movie.  Barely nudity, no sex, no shenanigans or jokes.  Barbarian?  I mean, loosely I guess, but honestly not as action oriented or as cool as that sounds.  Dinosaur Hell?  How about sure, dinosaurs are kinda there but generally it's just humans fighting to save on budget for stop motion.  And then the whole thing together, Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell - well no, because that implies we follow the character, which we kinda don't?  She's around... but also largely absent and largely dialogue-less?

It’s the classic bait and switch in what would at best be a 2 star whatever joint but with that switcheroo… no stars. Fuck you too movie.

Invasion of the Blood Farmers - 1972

I'm writing this review a good two weeks after watching it due to a blog snafu as well as 10 days in Spain.  Ya try ya know, and ya fail.

Invasion of the Blood Farmers is a super low budget hokey dumb "blood sacrifice going on in a small town" sort of a thing.  Creepy druids are hooking tubes into people and draining them of their blood for the god Onhorrid.  That and a lot of people are talking about a lot of things while doing a lot of nothing.  Those two plots go on while it's countdown to the inevitable peter out of nothing...I mean end.

There's like a body count of two, and the threat is more obscure than even this above description would make it seem.  

Likely added to my list in some search for obscure 70s horror gems, this is just sorta boring and talking and at the very best background whatever.  I give it a 1.

Avalanche - 1978

 I've reviewed Earthquake and Towering Inferno and Airport?  I'm guessing?  Nope.  I just watched Airport.  And I believe the sequel as well...

I do love this era in epic disaster film from yesteryear.  The formula was very well established by Avalanche, and this was in the latter end of this era.  It was a bomb, losing in the battle to Roger Corman's Piranha at the time of release.  This was about when the genre as a whole would be satirized by Airplane as well, just two years after this.  Much like Scream which hurt horror movies for a while I do think that satirisation hurt this genre significantly.

Avalanche follows the formula, like I said, which had by this point been cemented for films of this ilk.  Establish a few different characters and their "game", and lets get really into their love lives, their job stress, their interpersonal drama.  Waste about an hour on that before the disaster happens.  Then queue the disaster, which will be cool and be an effect fun 30 minutes.  15 minutes of plot resolution and tolls, end of movie.

Rock Hudson, Mia Farrow and Robert Forster are the main actors in this one.  Hudson is David, the owner of the new ski resort and ignorer of the warnings that this is in an avalanche zone.  Forster is the one who's the expert, warning people when he can about the avalanche, and presenting a new fling for David's love affair Caroline played of course by Farrow.  A plane crash starts an avalanche and we're off.

I have to say, with the styrofoam snow chunks and the miniatures, this movie's disaster does look cool.  It's a long and fun segment where we get to watch the happenings and see people getting these things dumped on them.  Then cut to a miniature and it gets destroyed....extremely, extremely fun.  

Then there's the aftermath sequences.  There's people trapped under snow and one guy stranded on a ski lift.  Thats a personal favorite sequence.  There's also, oddly, nudity in this movie, which I really didn't expect and certainly is a difference from most movies like this one.

I am a fan of these for what they are and the era.  These are formulaic, but isn't you know?  I give this like a good view rating of 3.5, check it out if you like this kinda stuff.

Chinese Hercules - 1973

 Well, I guessed later in the 70s.

So I think this is likely on the list because I was always into Bolo Yeung, and I cannot remember how I heard of this, but likely I thought this was a Bolo star vehicle.  It's not.  he's not in it very much.  I probably thought it was a gimmick-laden Bolo martial arts film, and its more of just "average martial arts" film.

To be honest, this one is a snooze.  I was checking this like every 2 minutes to see how much was left because it just refused to budge.  I might try again, but I doubt it at this point in my review life. 

Its one of those plentiful plots where the guy who promised never to fight again has to come back because of the bad guy gang, and Bolo is one of em, typecast as usual.  Its fine, whatever, but I was not feelin it.

Ironmaster - 1983

 I think it was in a post of mine I reread recently where I said I missed these sorta cash-ins that used to happen.  Mad Max would come out and we'd get cheap Italian rip-offs.  And then in this case, Quest for Fire would come out and we'd get a few Italian rip offs.  Such as Ironmaster.

It's like the Italian Star Wars stuff, and this is again like that because you watch this and you wonder "did they even watch the original movie?"  

First and foremost we have plentiful dialogue, in English (well, Italian, then dubbed) and it's not even written as unsophisticated.  These guys have full control of language as a concept and discuss ideas and options constantly.  They even have voting or systems in process to work through issues, as happens in this film.

The tribe has to come to terms with one of the members that's a little uncontrollable.  Italian legend George Eastman is Vood, and he kills two of the elders and goes into exile for that.  Soon enough he comes up on some lava eruption and finds metal basically.  Whatever it is, later named iron, has been forged into a club shape and could be used as a weapon.  He figures this out and with weapon in hand returns to his tribe to show his newfound usefulness as a member.  But there is another tribe out for him and soon conflict arises.

This movie starts strong but really lags as it goes on.  There just was a lack of anything really good, I dunno.  The music is decent but holy man, like WE GET IT.  About 20 minutes or so too long I'd say.  Other than that, it's kinda just "fine" so 2 stars.

Quest for Fire - 1981

 A while ago I watched Jean Jacques Annaud's film The Bear, and I ended up really liking it.  That leads me to what I thought was a rewatch but didn't feel that familiar, Quest for Fire.

This felt similar to The Bear, for certain.  Filmed with the same minimalistic approach, we open with a group of maybe 20 or so Neanderthals.  This film has no recognizable dialogue and no subtitles for the grunts and noises that are present, and yet we follow a very clear plot of them losing their fire source, selecting a few of them to go search for new fire, and the ensuing quest.

Ron Perlman and Everett McGill are in early roles in this, and they're excellent actors.  The other guys are great in this too, in such amazingly thankless roles.  Expressed all through body language, looks, feels, and that ambiguous energy that actors can convey, its a regular adventure film shot in incredible locations.  They encounter an opposing tribe with a female who takes a liking to them, they confront woolly mammoths and sabretooth tigers, and learn along the way.

This is so much more of the vibe than a hard plot, but that's not to say the plot is vague.  It's just incredibly simple.  And it relies on artistry to carry the movie, which can be bad depending on the talent behind it, but fuck yo, when it works it works.  This works, and its a beautiful and somber toned movie that has that ethereal "otherness" I search for, and often find in minimalism.

This movie kicks ass, and gets ya thinking.  For that, 5 stars.

Robot Wars - 1993

 So we return again to Charles Band and Full Moon Productions.  Yeah.  And part of me wanted to do a 5 word review.  "You know what this is" and then just a big 2 stars.

This type of thing was on my radar when I was a little bit more into hokey "so bad it's good" type bullshit.  There's a chance this being on my list dates back to more than 15, possibly even closer to 20 years, because this would've been in my SyFy channel, Pabst swilling phase.  You can tell I matured because now I swill IPAs instead.

These movies are about as fun as their effects and how much they're featured, as a lot of these don't have a lot else going for them.  In this movie, it's claymation robots, and the ensuing battles they have.  The robots do look good, but there's definitely not enough of them, and the fighting scenes are shot in a way to hide the action and conveniently cut to the human actors rather than have anything look actually cool.  Can't have that!

The plot is cookie cutter and revolves around a Megarobot pilot teaming up with an archaeologist and stopping a bad guy from having his own robot, and that's really about it.  They do the classic antagonism between the good guy and the female when you know in the end they'll be doing butt stuff and facials.  It's what you expect. Because...

You know what this is.

The Enchanted - 1984

 Ya put on 1984's The Enchanted and it immediately seems a little otherworldly.  This is the unquantifiable aspect that some things have, and something that I may try to identify just a little bit.

In this film it is medium easy to identify which is why I will try here.  Number one, I truly do think its hard to identify without the right soundtrack, or minimally soundtrack aspects.  Wandering, wondering, electronic, strange soundtracks speak volumes.  Think of Blade Runner.  Free jazz, strange synths, offbeat beatless undefined meanderings.  Alien, in other words.  Makes your imagination spark and your place of safety removed.  "This sounds strange and unsettling.  If this is true what else is true."

Next I have to call out cinematography.  Strange, detached, and seemingly with its own agenda, the cinematography is always important in any movie.  A visual media, we cannot pretend as though it not always one of the most important, but specifically in ethereal film...  Long, detached takes.  Occasional flourishes, maybe, but extremely grounded and yet just a little off.  Perhaps best exemplified in this film by it's fascination with nature.  If there's a bird or something nearby, the camera seems magnetized to them.  We follow animals and nature almost as much as the actors in the film.  "Odd, unnatural, off-kilter.  If this is true what else is true."

Dialogue and actors are certainly important, just again like in all films.  It's very important that they present a grounded, real human in contrast to the bizarre circumstances around them.  They need to have their own individual flourishes as well though.  Perhaps a meditative, calm quality that seems deep and unexplored, imploring you to look deeper and ask questions.  Perhaps they are poetic and expressive, individualistic and profound.  But likely they're both, in a bizarre balance that immediately hooks you.  "This character is so interesting, like they know something I don't.  If this is true what else is true."

There's more, but lets just cut the chase here and say The Enchanted is a great example of all of these.  This is not a fantastic movie or anything, but its a great example because the only things to say about this are the weird qualities.  Plots are of course important and they need to be excessively vague and/or backseated.  This has that in spades as we wander around with Booker as he explores his strange area with unexplained, separate storylines.  And the rest is the flourish and otherworldly qualities that keep you locked in.

There's not a lot more to say other than this is that, and I've seen better and I've seen worse.  But these are vibe movies and if you are into them, there's almost nothing better than these?  You need to be patient, you need to pay attention, you need to be in on it.  I usually dig these, and indeed I liked this quite a bit.  Completely unknown and underseen, it also defines the sort of thing I look for.  I give it 3.5 stars for its specific realm and execution, and I'll say check it out.

From Hell it Came - 1957

 Absolutely always something I have been interested in, the offbeat monster movies.  The weird ones, if you will.  A genuine 50s monster movie, but where the monster in question is trees?  I'm in.

From Hell it Came is one I remember along with like Night of the Lepus and Day of the Triffids.  Those offbeat things always catch my eye, and this is also a long stretch since I last reviewed a movie like this.  

We start with a scrawl that explains there are these communities with horrifying folklore.  Haiti has zombies, this island we're at here has the story of bodies put into trees and inhabiting them, sometimes forcing their will into the trees....  And yeah, that's it ya know  Throw in a couple doctors, the gender swap roles of female Terry who doesn't want to get married and male William who does.  Can you imagine the comedy of that?!  Its 1957, get into the spirit of the thing!

Barely over an hour, these movies are another favorite "type" for me.  They're quick, low rent, A to B, generic, and fun.  They always have the blandest, most direct and unstylized dialogue, they revolve around like 10 minutes of monster and 60 minutes of "everything else".  

These things are almost solely as good as the monster, and this one's a keeper.

Exactly like when I carried my wife over the threshold...

This is a good one, one to dial up if you like this sorta thing.  I will give it a 3.5.

Zontar: The Thing from Venus - 1967

 Larry Buchanan. My first true hated film in the blog, It’s Alive, which I believe had a 15 minute flashback sequence? We return, finally to Larry Buchanan. He was certainly the reason it was on my list  

Buchanan is one of the many zero budget, DIY dudes who just had this completely inept, zero budget filmmaking style that was keen for the MST type stuff, though he was never on MST. They couldn’t get to everything I guess. 

Zontar has a scientist intercept a radio signal that only he can understand. He starts to translate it to others, speaking of an alien called Zontar which will soon be coming to earth and will bring a new way of life to the people. Naturally the others are worried and skeptical, but things are looking more and more like it could be true. 

Could be known as talking: the movie, which was true of Its Alive. Also maybe “Straight Down the Barrel” because that’s how a lot of this cinematography is. Dead on people looking at us and quickly saying their lines with zero emotion in one take. Yeeeepp. 

I dunno man I kinda have a soft spot for it now. Reminds me of like the Ray Dennis Steckler nada bullshit “movies” that I’ve seen, and honestly the dialogue sucks but it’s minimal in scope and that’s something. Then we see the monster and it’s cool, theres absolutely not enough of it but…eh… it’s okay?! 

Look. You either like it or not it’s still not good. By 1967 we were much beyond this 40s feeling monster fare. But I like it. So I’ll give it like 1.5 stars