Robot Wars - 1993

 So we return again to Charles Band and Full Moon Productions.  Yeah.  And part of me wanted to do a 5 word review.  "You know what this is" and then just a big 2 stars.

This type of thing was on my radar when I was a little bit more into hokey "so bad it's good" type bullshit.  There's a chance this being on my list dates back to more than 15, possibly even closer to 20 years, because this would've been in my SyFy channel, Pabst swilling phase.  You can tell I matured because now I swill IPAs instead.

These movies are about as fun as their effects and how much they're featured, as a lot of these don't have a lot else going for them.  In this movie, it's claymation robots, and the ensuing battles they have.  The robots do look good, but there's definitely not enough of them, and the fighting scenes are shot in a way to hide the action and conveniently cut to the human actors rather than have anything look actually cool.  Can't have that!

the plot is cookie cutter and involves around a Megarobot pilot teaming up with an archaeologist and stopping a bad guy from having his own robot, and that's really about it.  They do the classic antagonism between the good guy and the female when you know in the end they'll be eating each others assholes in foreplay.  It's what you expect. Because,

You know what this is.

The Enchanted - 1984

 Ya put on 1984's The Enchanted and it immediately seems a little otherworldly.  This is the unquantifiable aspect that some things have, and something that I may try to identify just a little bit.

In this film it is medium easy to identify which is why I will try here.  Number one, I truly do think its hard to identify without the right soundtrack, or minimally soundtrack aspects.  Wandering, wondering, electronic, strange soundtracks speak volumes.  Think of Blade Runner.  Free jazz, strange synths, offbeat beatless undefined meanderings.  Alien, in other words.  Makes your imagination spark and your place of safety removed.  "This sounds strange and unsettling.  If this is true what else is true."

Next I have to call out cinematography.  Strange, detached, and seemingly with its own agenda, the cinematography is always important in any movie.  A visual media, we cannot pretend as though it not always one of the most important, but specifically in ethereal film...  Long, detached takes.  Occasional flourishes, maybe, but extremely grounded and yet just a little off.  Perhaps best exemplified in this film by it's fascination with nature.  If there's a bird or something nearby, the camera seems magnetized to them.  We follow animals and nature almost as much as the actors in the film.  "Odd, unnatural, off-kilter.  If this is true what else is true."

Dialogue and actors are certainly important, just again like in all films.  It's very important that they present a grounded, real human in contrast to the bizarre circumstances around them.  They need to have their own individual flourishes as well though.  Perhaps a meditative, calm quality that seems deep and unexplored, imploring you to look deeper and ask questions.  Perhaps they are poetic and expressive, individualistic and profound.  But likely they're both, in a bizarre balance that immediately hooks you.  "This character is so interesting, like they know something I don't.  If this is true what else is true."

There's more, but lets just cut the chase here and say The Enchanted is a great example of all of these.  This is not a fantastic movie or anything, but its a great example because the only things to say about this are the weird qualities.  Plots are of course important and they need to be excessively vague and/or backseated.  This has that in spades as we wander around with Booker as he explores his strange area with unexplained, separate storylines.  And the rest is the flourish and otherworldly qualities that keep you locked in.

There's not a lot more to say other than this is that, and I've seen better and I've seen worse.  But these are vibe movies and if you are into them, there's almost nothing better than these?  You need to be patient, you need to pay attention, you need to be in on it.  I usually dig these, and indeed I liked this quite a bit.  Completely unknown and underseen, it also defines the sort of thing I look for.  I give it 3.5 stars for its specific realm and execution, and I'll say check it out.

From Hell it Came - 1957

 Absolutely always something I have been interested in, the offbeat monster movies.  The weird ones, if you will.  A genuine 50s monster movie, but where the monster in question is trees?  I'm in.

From Hell it Came is one I remember along with like Night of the Lepus and Day of the Triffids.  Those offbeat things always catch my eye, and this is also a long stretch since I last reviewed a movie like this.  

We start with a scrawl that explains there are these communities with horrifying folklore.  Haiti has zombies, this island we're at here has the story of bodies put into trees and inhabiting them, sometimes forcing their will into the trees....  And yeah, that's it ya know  Throw in a couple doctors, the gender swap roles of female Terry who doesn't want to get married and male William who does.  Can you imagine the comedy of that?!  Its 1957, get into the spirit of the thing!

Barely over an hour, these movies are another favorite "type" for me.  They're quick, low rent, A to B, generic, and fun.  They always have the blandest, most direct and unstylized dialogue, they revolve around like 10 minutes of monster and 60 minutes of "everything else".  

These things are almost solely as good as the monster, and this one's a keeper.

Exactly like when I carried my wife over the threshold...

This is a good one, one to dial up if you like this sorta thing.  I will give it a 3.5.

Zontar: The Thing from Venus - 1967

 Larry Buchanan. My first true hated film in the blog, It’s Alive, which I believe had a 15 minute flashback sequence? We return, finally to Larry Buchanan. He was certainly the reason it was on my list  

Buchanan is one of the many zero budget, DIY dudes who just had this completely inept, zero budget filmmaking style that was keen for the MST type stuff, though he was never on MST. They couldn’t get to everything I guess. 

Zontar has a scientist intercept a radio signal that only he can understand. He starts to translate it to others, speaking of an alien called Zontar which will soon be coming to earth and will bring a new way of life to the people. Naturally the others are worried and skeptical, but things are looking more and more like it could be true. 

Could be known as talking: the movie, which was true of Its Alive. Also maybe “Straight Down the Barrel” because that’s how a lot of this cinematography is. Dead on people looking at us and quickly saying their lines with zero emotion in one take. Yeeeepp. 

I dunno man I kinda have a soft spot for it now. Reminds me of like the Ray Dennis Steckler nada bullshit “movies” that I’ve seen, and honestly the dialogue sucks but it’s minimal in scope and that’s something. Then we see the monster and it’s cool, theres absolutely not enough of it but…eh… it’s okay?! 

Look. You either like it or not it’s still not good. By 1967 we were much beyond this 40s feeling monster fare. But I like it. So I’ll give it like 1.5 stars

The Crawlers - 1991

 Also known as Creepers, Troll 3 and Contamination .7

Trying to align itself with both Troll and Contamination?  Quite a gamble here.  Also quite a difference between those two as potential series connections. 

I suppose the connection to at least Troll 2 is that there are sequences here where plants attack people, and that did happen a lot in that movie.  So there's like some random plants, mostly roots really, attacking people, and that's likely due to radioactive toxic waste.  Isn't it always?

There's not a ton to say here.  It's probably more fun for a group and has some potential for "so bad it's good" type bong rippin' fun, but it's also pretty slow and there's not the insanity of a Troll 2 here by any means.  The effects are good but you won't get a lot of them, and instead its a lot of dialogue and boring nothing happening while you wait.

This is by no means zero entertainment, I likely had it on here cause it's loose connection to Contamination and Troll as a series I'm guessing?  And sadly that is likely what draws about 90% of the people who watch it cuz there ain't no other reason...so for that 2 stars.

Bloody New Year - 1987

Sigh.  I just work better in the movie realm when I have an "assignment" these days.  With that in mind, I recall my old (really, really old) list of movies I wanted to see.  This date back to pre-blog, like probably started this in 2013 or so.  So therefore, this is like, the oldest desires I've had to watch.  I think I have seen a few of these like Rottweiler and Pin, but some of these I guess I'll rewatch?  Anywho here's the list:

Razorback 1984

Bloody New Year 1987

Wizard of Gore 1970

Xtro 1-3

Rottweiler 2004

Nightmare in Blood 1977  

Zontar the thing from Venus

Robot Wars (1993)

Chinese Hercules  1973 – Bolo Yeung, looks great

Deadly Snake Versus Kung Fu Killers (1977)

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988)

The Hideous Sun Demon – classic b&w sci fi

From Hell It Came (1957) tree trunk monsters

Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979)

A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1990) – when Troma was still decent

Horror of the Blood Monsters (1970) – another ok looking vamp film

Invasion of the Blood Farmers (1972)  - backwoods Chainsaw

Frankenstein Meets the Spacemonster (1965) – classic b&w scifi

Nudist Colony of the Dead (1991)

Thunder of Gigantic Serpent (1988) – Canadian giant monster movie!

The Meateater (1979)

Play Dead (1985)    killer animals

Alien 2: On Earth (1980)

Pin (1988)

Torso 1973

The Washing Machine (1993) sex thriller which may also have an evil washing machine

Remote Control (1988)   Blue Sunshine director

The Dragon Lives Again 1977          

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll_3  the creepers / the crawlers 1993  -  Contamination .7

Frankenhooker (1990)    trashy comedy horror

Rawhead Rex (1986)

Night Train to Terror (1985)             retro lookin thriller

Blind Dead Series: Return of the Evil Dead, Ghost Galleon

Phantasm series

Don’t Look in the Attic

Again, I paste this in to have an easier time later as I work through this.  I also think a little retrospective on "why was this on my list" is something I'll include for each one.

Bloody New Year is a bizarre movie with some ambition and some know how, but a odd execution.  It is made by Norman J. Warren, a director I liked with Terror, Prey, Satan's Slave and I think I have seen Inseminoid but I guess I didn't review it.  This is him doing a haunted house / creepy location movie, a trope which I'm usually kinda mixed on.

Likely on the list because of the proximity to a slasher, I doubt I added this because of director Warren.  This is decidedly not a real slasher, though it has some elements, and it has other unexplained random phenomena happening in it, which gives the effects a good mention here.  They're good, and they're often.  It's one of those where the ghosts can make like anything happen, such as making snow fly inside or having an animal carving attack someone.  Those types of crazy shenanigans in movies are always way fun.

90 minutes of a fun whatever throw away British thriller will work, ya know!  I give it a solid 3.  Its nothing special but its above some of them.

Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh - 1995

 I am following up on watching the third Candyman film which I reviewed a little minute ago here.

Candyman as a trilogy is, I think, ultimately forgotten.  The first one didn't need sequels, and the two they delivered, like hey.  They tried, and what else do you expect them to do?  They don't sour the original and they don't elevate the original, they just exist.  

Farewell to the Flesh is one of those horror and sequel things we've seen where it's same thing, different...place?  As we move to New Orleans and a teacher there is teaching about folklore, they raise Candyman again and he is off to kill some more people.  New lore introduced is a mirror that could be a reason to Candyman's existence, and a possible way to defeat him.

Veronica Cartwright is in here as a mom, and overall this is like...fine.  It got middling reviews and certainly it doesn't elevate the story, but it is more of the wash rinse repeat approach.  Which you know, will push some people away but will also be fine, especially for die hard horror fans.  It has some cool moments and decent effects, and it plays well for a late night "whatever" flick.

Adam and Eve - 1983

 Where does one start with this particular pic?

Man. I thought I’d seen it all. This is, as stated before recently even, why I do this. I seek things out to discover an Italian schlocky adventure film about Adam and Eve from the 80s with nudity and talking snakes and fucking and lunacy. 

Adam is created and makes Eve from sand. They live in innocence until Eve discovers the apple tree with a tempting snake. Once she and Adam eat the apple, they promptly fuck, which puts them in clothes and forces them out of Eden. They wander until they reach a tribe of savages who confront them. 

With an 80s soundtrack and all “giving a shit” thrown to the wind, this is a regular romp. Movies this fun are few and far between. It’s purely insane in a so bad it’s good way while being keyword entertaining. Not that much truly happens, but the plot is linear, which really helps it. 

Hard to describe, it’s just so much a product of its time and it’s so genuine. I texted my buddy last night about The Evil Dead and how the remakes are so obviously not having fun.  You can feel the energy behind the camera in Evil Dead which vanishes when you get to the 2013 one.  This movie, you can feel the energy in this as well.  And it's infectious.

One of the more memorable movies I've seen recently, I loved this.  It has Mark Gregory from The Bronx Warriors and Thunder Warrior in it, and he's a compelling presence on screen.  Made it significantly more fun, I'll say that much.  I give this 4.5 stars.

The Last Island - 1990

 1990??!!  I was going to guess like 1981!  My god.

I put on a movie that said desert island and end of the world, and I'm like, hey cool.  I liked The Quiet Earth.  I liked Miracle Mile.  I liked Cast Away.  What I don't like though....endless dialogue.

I mean, dear lord is this boring.  There's a decent looking aftermath of a plane crash, and that might be the only good thing about it as people stand around and I guess "drama" happens?  Yo, this is is a boring as fuck film that I genuinely turned off, but will review anyways,

Attack Force Z - 1982

 Also known as Z Men.  No, I'm not still in New Zealand.

But, I did put on this Australian war drama with Mel Gibson and Sam Neill basically because it had the two of them in it, and also because one sentence synopsis always sound pretty decent at minimum.  Australians in China fighting Japanese?  Good cast?  I'm in!

The thing this doesn't tell you is that its a long feeling talky drama about more hide and go seek warfare than action.  Mel Gibson leads a group who find a small village and descend upon a house where Chien Hua lives with a bunch of neighborhood kids and they hang out there waiting for the Japanese.  The Japanese have been in control around these parts and have been oppressive so the village is willing to help them, and a romance even blooms between Chien and one of the soldiers. 

Almost more interesting than this review was the thought I had in my head as I watched...  Is this my least reviewed genre?  I mean, within a certain scope right, like I probably haven't done much musicals or comedies, but like I don't stick to a format and war films probably fit right in with my format.  Yet I've done very little of them.  And I actually really like war movies, I used to watch The Thin Red Line and stuff like all the fucking time.  

This really hits a big road block as the men hang out with the kids and the relationships build.  Maybe, maybe if you're in the right mood, but still....its done better elsewhere.  I want to give it basically credit for the cast and some mild tension moments, so it can have like a 1.5

Blood Run - 1994

 Mid 90s serial killer looking thing? I’ll take it. 

I start Blood Run and in the first 10 minutes theres a nude chick using a shower head to maybe masturbate, followed by a lesbian scene. Yes, this is made for tv softcore feeling trash cinema. At its purest. 

I watched this in part with my gf, who’d never seen anything like this before. She was genuinely shocked, which I loved. And for “what this is”, this movie is great. With a variety of faces you’ll know from one thing, like the druggie mom from The Crow, the chick from Hellraiser, the dude from Cyborg Cop, theres even another chick from Children of the Corn 4!

The cast is an immediate elevation, and then the nudity. Unfortunately it’s a talky cop centered drama about a serial killer and not a slasher. He is on some case, meets The Crow’s mom, she goes topless(?!) and theres some killings or something I guess thrown in there. 

They just absolutely do not make this kind of thing anymore. Super low brow and cheap, softcore, late night, half drunk, half chub, dumb dad entertainment. This is the kinda crap I remember my dad watching, this and the stupidest comedies you’d ever think of. 

I kinda loved it, but it’s boring as sin still, and theres better versions of this. But I’m giving it at least a 2 for what it gets right.