Return of the Blind Dead - 1973

 Also known as Return of the Evil Dead and Attack of the Blind Dead. 

My first one of the two series in this document, I finally finished the Blind Dead series.  This and Phantasm are two long present series that I seriously remember wanting to see for years.  I basically remember the moment of concreting the idea that I would watch these two series, adding them...  Watching Phantasm circa 2011(ish??)   How did Blind Dead escape me?  I really don't know.

Return of the Blind Dead is the second of this series of sorta loosely connected Templar-related zombie horror.  This one features a sorta "origin segment" early on where villagers burn the eyes of a group of knights.  Present day the Templars get brought back to life by a sacrifice and they begin to pursue the main characters.  There is also village idiot Murdo around to mess things up.

This one is sorta perfectly in line with the aggregate of the series.  It has like...a decent amount of effect and a decent amount of cool sequences.  It doesn't match the Ghost Galleon's zilch and it does not match the heights of Night of the Seagulls.  Dude, Night of the Seagulls rules.

There's not much to say here, although I'll mention that there's nudity and the close ups of sword stabbings is a new thing at this point in the series.  Hey, you know, you could do worse.  3.5 stars.

The Dragon Lives Again - 1977

 I was trying to imagine what it would be like for this to happen again.  What if Heath Ledger died in 2008, and from that point all the way until 2020 there had been movies fake Heath Ledgers, various actors pretending to be him, in movies exploiting his likeness and fame?  Can you IMAGINE this happening now?

That's not even an apt comparison because Bruce Lee was a bigger star arguably than good ol' Heath bar, but yeah this genre Brucesploitation was around from Lee's death until a good 12 years after.  The world seems to move so much faster now I cannot see us being so hung up on a star, even one that did have a huge news story premature death.

The Dragon Lives Again stars Bruce Leung Siu-Lung, and starts out with dick jokes and sultry women, as well as a James Bond parody and a Clint Eastwood character.  We know instantly that we made the right choice.  This movie is a comedy, it's a parody, its basically Asian Kentucky Fried Movie, and firmly stays in that category, breezing through without getting bogged down by plot or action.

Yeah I said it, bogged down by action.  If they still had 20 minute fight scenes, this would move slower. Instead it spends the exact right amount of time on seemingly everything.  How did they nail it so well?  I have no clue.  

This type of thing was an early peek into my mindset after starting the blog.  Here's something I miss.  I used to be so fuckin excited I took it on myself to do homework to include odd subcategories into this blog.  I had barely heard of Brucesploitation before this blog, and upon starting to write it I did the research, tracked shit down, and watched these two movies.  Spirit of Bruce Lee and Clones of Bruce Lee.  This was definitely added to the list then, and I just never got around to it.

There's a plot about an evil Dracula character and his skeleton monsters, there's a conjurer who helped bring Bruce Lee back accidentally, there's Bruce Lee confusingly dressed up as his Batman Kato character, there's a fuckton going on in here.  But that keeps the flick moving, as well as the jokes.  Hey, big news here?  The jokes work!  Its funny!  And there's nudity!

If every genre has to have a relative masterpiece within it, this is the one for Brucesploitation.  5 stars.

The Unforgiven - 1960

 I could have mentioned at one point that my gf is into Audrey Hepburn.  I don't super remember.  Either way, we were looking for a whatever movie to put on, in one of these long tired days after a sleepless night, and we opted for this Audrey movie.

Apparently a movie set that was fraught with production troubles, this movie was caught between the studio that wanted something commercial and the director and writer that wanted something with a message.  It seems neither got their way. 

What this is, rather, is a long convoluted race-related movie about a found Indian girl, played by Audrey, who is caught in a bit of a love triangle while she lives on dangerous Native American troubled lands.  She has the hots for her adopted brother Burt Lancaster, who is also much older, and a kid her own age wants to be with her almost as much as he wants to go to Wichita, which I think is about his only want in the movie.

At first you think its about forging this unsteady relationship with the Natives, led by John Saxon in brown face.  Then you think its about the love triangle, then it shifts to a bizarre almost surreal story as a mystical cowboy guys enters, then it's a love triangle again, then a Native story...  and that sorta keeps up in this two hour movie where you feel just about every minute of that.

Once the Natives kill one of the white people, some whites turn on Audrey and yell some things at her they'll probably regret later.  This all culminates in a big fight scene at the end, Natives vs. whitey, and that sequence is good, but hooooo boy.  What a chore this is.

I wanted to give it a star because it's like...you know shot fine, it's not a messy inept schlockfest or anything.  I wanted to like this a fair bit, honestly, and I just didn't.  There's very few redeeming factors, but even the big fight scene feels telegraphed and you know what will happen.  And in the end Audrey gets with her brother?!  What is this, fuckin' Pornhub?  I give this a zero.

Rawhead Rex - 1986

Always a fan of the obscure even in the days of modern “everything is online” norms, it makes sense that I actually cannot find some of these movies online. So I had to pull a Rottweiler and watch this in another language without English subtitles. 

I think I added this when I found a cool sounding monster movie and then further saw the name Clive Barker was on it. In the life of this blog I have watched "the other two Barker directed films" Nightbreed and Lord of Illusions, I even revisited Hellraiser (although I guess I did not review Nightbreed, sorry).   And hey while I'm at it, Candyman 2 and 3.

Rawhead Rex I watched in French, and I gleaned that a church somehow summons the titular monster, which looks in some strange clash somewhere between comic book super villain, cheap Halloween werewolf(?) costume and prime 80s rubber suit film monster.  Its about 65-80% silly depending on the mood you're in, and I think there's at least part of this that's intentionally having a laugh, if you will, with it.

The rest, well, is pretty minimal and scope, and basically what you'd expect.  There's certainly a slightly heavier church angle in here than some horror films, and the monster is terrorizing this family, eventually revealed at the request and under the control of the pastor.  Our main character and his family are on the run, and there's a couple cool sequences like the one in the car that stand out.

Almost most interesting - in a bad way - was watching it in another language and trying to follow, as well as the bad quality of the video, which dropped sound completely for a few minutes, and then later had a little jaunty song come in instead of the film's soundtrack.  Look, this isn't that bad, it seems like I've given just about every other Barker film about a 2.5 besides the "big two" and this will join that list, it's just kinda that is a mild disappoint given how much I love the original Candyman.

Night Train to Terror - 1985

 In my list of stuff to watch I have Night Train with the note “retro looking thriller”. What did I mean by this? Meaning 70s kinda a throwback? Cause boy was that wrong. 

This was likely added from me watching horror trailers on YouTube, something I used to do a lot that I really don’t do any more. I don’t think I knew this was an anthology, don’t think I knew it had not one but two bizarre interstitial stories as wrap arounds. And def did not know it RULED. 

As said before I do love an anthology. In the start of this one, god and satan are on a train discussing horrifying events. Cut to another train car where an 80s band sings the recurring song “Everybody But You” which is a fine slice of the era when this came out. 

Story one involves a hospital patient who has accidentally killed his wife.  He is taken to this evil hospital and used by the evil staff there to lure in people who will be killed and used for organ donation.  There's these insane moments in this of butchering where they just show torture rooms covered in blood and bodies and it fucking kicks ass, there's also nudity, and its edited in a way where nothing makes sense but not in a bad way.  Just feels like a uncontrollable ride.

Segment two is a lurid and disturbing tale of a woman forced into pornography acting.  Her film shows at a creepy men's club that I'd literally kill to be invited to, and one of the guys there forms an instant fascination with her.  There's something about claymation in a seance scene where this rad insect is there, and I'm pretty sure has nothing to do with the plot.  Anyways, the guy tracks her down and eventually it leads to a Edgar Allen Poe-esque badass ending I loved.

Segment three has a Nazi guy as a satanic messenger, with his main interest being a very 70s guy who is publishing his book God Is Dead, about the nonexistence of god.  Satan dude is naturally very interested in this, and meanwhile Cameron Mitchell as the old detective guy is involved, mostly by trying to figure out what satan man is up to.  Definitely the longest and most linear story.

The first two had bizarre claymation and complete nonsense happening at random times.  The third one is more of a story, and you might even want to pay attention.  But with the god/satan train sequences and of course "Everybody But You" rockin', you're going to have a blast with this no matter what.  I loved it.  Especially the first 2/3 of the thing, before what is a small slow down for segment 3.  5 stars though.

Don't Look in the Attic - 1982

 Also known as House of the Damned.

I like movies that Wikipedia doesn't have a plot synopsis for.  Wikipedia presumably watched this poorly filmed dreck and gave it the same collective shrug I am currently giving it.  When it came to plot, Wik here said "I mean there was something about an attic maybe vaguely once or twice but really wasn't this just sort of about nothing?"  Skipped the section entirely.  Good call.

From IMDb:  "A couple inherits a mansion, but when they move in they discover that it is haunted by the murderous spirits of people who have died there."  There is at least one scene where someone approaches an attic, whether the attic was truly that threatening I don't think was the case.

Added, quite obviously, when I was going through what I was calling the "Don't" series, Basement House Park Christmas and Look, I think there's more but I'm lazy and I don't remember.  Why I didn't watch this at the time is anyone's guess, but my assumption is that I thought I had seen it already, and this whole time watching it now I also kept thinking the same thing.

If I haven't said it clearly, this film is near incomprehensible.  I had no idea what was going on.  There was a kill outside early on (not in an attic) and there was a few weird happenings in a house, but really there was mainly a few deaths and I don't really know what else.  

No nudity, no effects, no cool sequences, poorly shot.  Ugh.  A chore.  Half a star.

Weasels Rip My Flesh - 1979

 You name a movie the same as a Frank Zappa album, it sounds like a killer weasel movie, you are an underground cult sounding oddity, you’re gonna get added to the list ok? You’re just going to, fact. 

This movie is 67 minutes long and the first ten are just cold open basically, not unconnected but almost. So we have an under hour long flick here, and how bad can it be? 

Weasels Rip My Flesh is made on a budget of supposedly $500 by high school students on Super 8 filmstock.  It features a plastic shark they supposedly found in the trash, cardboard and trash bag monsters, and nothing even close to a real plot or effects or anything of the sort.

Amateur Z grade normality for the most part, we've seen it before.  This specifically reminded me of The Milpitas Monster, a similar low budget 70s curio that begs the question "how did these get any distribution"?  It truly seems like if something was made, period, it would eventually get to that level of being shown.  I mean...does that not define a certain measure of success?  

Sure no one made money or a career out of this, but someone is still watching this 47 years later, so say what you will about low budget trash made for no one for no money.

The Washing Machine - 1993

 Its interesting as I go through these and I write out the reasons why they were on my list, a lot of the reasons are similar.  This is on there for the same reason as From Hell it Came.  These are both "they made a movie about killer x?  what does that look like?"  In that case the tree monsters in this one a killer washing machine?

But no, it doesn't have a killer washing machine, spoiler alert.  Yeah, pretty sure I thought this had a killer washing machine in it ala Death Bed: The Bed that Eats, a movie I certainly watched during my time writing this that I guess I did not review.  Unfortunate.  There's a few of those movies that you watch and stick with you and that is one of them.  Eh, maybe I'll rewatch.

The Washing Machine isn't one you watch that sticks with you.  This is a Giallo that comes as late as 1993 and doesn't try anything really new except putting the bodies in a washing machine at a few points.  Its a jilted lover plot with plenty of nude women flashing breasts while people kill them, and its about as next level as that makes it sound.  Not to slam it or anything.  Its just, you know, only that.

It has a great soundtrack and it has some great nudity and it works on a few levels, so I give it like a 2.5

Nudist Colony of the Dead - 1991

 I’m writing this down because of the high chance this movie never tops its first joke. A fake THX sound and box appears and it says “the audience is squinting” before it gives its own Super 8 logo. Honestly…brilliant. And hilarious. 

Again going to me trying to find hidden gem underground cult movies and dialing up Troma or Full Moon adjacent “stuff” that I add to the list.  I think part of this whole cult movies thing is sort of a custodian-ship.  To be the guy that introduces friends to fun movies, super unheard of underground trash that's great to dial up when y'all are staying up til midnight crushing PBRs.  So this is likely part of an attempt to find fun watches, and like I said before my solo enjoyment of these has always been limited.

If they're fast paced enough, especially a comedy that still works is going to be a decent enough time.  Also this era is usually less meta than things would get later, so that's giving them an advantage right off.  Guys, lets end meta okay?  As a culture?  Can we, please?

Of course, comedy has always been specific, and this movie reminds me of a style that is just not around anymore. It’s been taken over both by culture and by different styles. What I mean is there used to just be a "standard joke" that you would get across the board in many things - think of the joke of a woman's eyeshadow forming rivers when she cries - that type of joke that you would just see everywhere and everyone agreed "that was comedy" and it was funny, and equally low brow or highbrow could have it - that type of thing is just gone.

 Similarly, but different is the comedy song. Some parody or jingle, and some self-aware medium energy very simple lyric song that was accepted as one of those things that was in everything whether it be Monty Python or The Simpsons, all the way to Richard Cheese or South Park.  It was a testament to the writing of a thing, "could they do a song?' and its fascinating how many different things attempted it and then how dead it is now.

This movie certainly follows the trend of older comedies by having lots of the "standard jokes" and many of its standard jokes it does time and time again, driving it absolutely into the ground.  It wastes probably 50 or so minutes of this 90 something minute movie on comedy songs, which are like, you know fine, but not incredible or anything. For a movie called Nudist Colony of the Dead there's not a lot of nudity and there's barely any scenes with zombies even, instead we just follow our plucky heroes singing a lot.

Its completely "fine" and "unremarkable" both, I'll give it 2 stars for the light energy time stamp that it is, but this is not like a fun movie really.  Its just sorta a uniquely bizarre thing.

Rottweiler - 2004

 Look, not all of these are streaming or at the library.  The thing about my taste is that it ranges towards obscure sometimes, and some C tier SyFy level dog movie is not going to be the hot item, ever.  So I watched this in Russian with no subtitles on some sketch website.

Added at a time when I was into Stuart Gordon and Brian Yuzna.  I was describing to my girlfriend, this has always been an interest of mine to see where these guys ended up, and goddamnit if this is not part of the reason why right here:  discovering as I did just now that Stuart Gordon's second to last movie Edmond was a movie that played at my theater when I worked there?  What?!  I never discovered that before?  Also did not know Stuart Gordon passed away in 2020, rest in peace to a great director.

Brian Yuzna appears to be retired after working more recently as an Exec Producer and such, and I think he willingly does not make movies anymore.  With dregs like Rottweiler being probably what was offered to him, it's easy enough to see why. 

Rottweiler has the "oh so intelligent" idea of having a robot-infused-dog chasing after a guy, and that is simple but it takes about 45 minutes to get there.  We see strung out looking Dante as he shoots a dog with a shotgun, which is then returned to life and given robot teeth by Paul Naschy.  Queue an oddly long scene where nude Dante runs from the dog and we almost ALMOST see dick many times.  

For a movie with a dog with robot teeth, this thing is so boring and just does not have any fun to it.  It sounds good on paper, cybernetically enhanced dog in early CGI area.  They got a real dog and they did what they could I guess, but it just sits there.  Its not fun.  There are tits and there is a dick briefly and watching it in Russian was kinda fun, but this movie is not good.  I give it a 1.5

Phantasm - 1979

 My girlfriend joined me for about the last third of this movie (which is a great time to hop in) and I again relayed a thought I've had often.  This is such a bizarrely unknown movie and series of movies, and director, I really don't know why this isn't at least up there in the same breath as at least the Pinheads, the Leatherfaces, the maybe slightly B tier of horror icons.

I do think this is undersung and underdiscussed.  I had vaguely heard of it in my late teens or twenties, and I think I eventually watched this about 15 years ago on a one off rental.  I was expecting something kinda bad, because I was never that big of a fan of Bubba Ho-Tep and I really disliked both the book and the movie of John Dies at the End.  I was completely blown away by Phantasm though, and I really enjoyed it.

I think Phantasm was on this list before I watched the first one, but then once I watched the first and didn't watch the sequels, this has been on the list.  Phantasm 5 came out about 10 years ago, and as proof this series is undersung it didn't even play in theaters.  So anyways, that's this series history on my list.

A sex scene ends with the woman killing her lover and transforming into The Tall Man.  We follow Mike as he spies on his brother and discovers The Tall Man as well, leading to the first major development:  a flying metal sphere that will drill your brains out!  This is one of the many weapons both physical and not that The Tall Man possesses and now Mike and his brother are set against him.

This movie is a great class in world building if nothing else.  So much of this seems instantly iconic and instantly makes you want to know more.  What is this, where did it come from, how did it work?  These questions abound as you watch decent actors and cool dark scenes in a fast paced horror sci fi flick that is sort of like nothing else.

It's interesting to have a legit long running series that I haven't seen and I'll watch all of.  I mean, I guess I've done it plenty on here, but I'm hopeful and I'm going to be chock full'o takeaways.  Excellent beginning, 4 star horror sci fi premise here.