Witchcraft 12, this is the end. I feel like maybe I am not going to return and rank them again. Refer to the ratings of each individual movie.
Who knew that 12 was where this series jumped the shark and started the whole stepping down of nudity and replacing it with CGI. Maybe this came earlier and I don't remember? Anything is possible.
There’s a scene in 12 here where a dude is drinking to forget his sorrows and it’s Seagrams 7 he’s doing shots of. And the more I think of it that’s the perfect analogy of this movie. Like many a bottom shelf selection of “whiskey” Seagrams 7 is actually a “blended spirit” meaning it’s about 70% neutral grain spirit (basically vodka) and 30% whiskey. It’s essentially faking what it is, pretending to be a whiskey to get whiskey cred while secretly being something else
That’s what these movies are. They’re a bottom shelf cheap thing which will “do the job” barely, technically, but they are for people with no self respect and no class. And you know I was going to say no shade on Seagrams, but fuck it. Shade. Seagrams 7 sucks.
I’m also rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer right now and it strikes me how much these movies feel like the “monster of the week” random eps from like season 4. Having a series where a warlock helps detectives fight supernatural crime is a great idea, it’s just that this didn’t work. It’s too schlocky.
Also, people online seem to not like much beyond about Witchcraft 5. They dip out for the fun sleazy sexy middle section of these?? They dip OUT?? What the fuck are these for if not sad half-chub stupid fare to drink a beer to and cry that Sheila left you? That’s what these are for?! Right??! No?
Witchcraft 12 is like a slightly better version of 14-16, but when I say slightly I mean by a half a percent. Spanner helping Lutz and Garner etc etc, nothing new here.
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