Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe - 1990

That ol' Sci Fi Invasion boxset is so close to being finished I can taste it.  I think I have about 3-4 movies left.  And I'm going to have to some major site scouring to figure out exactly which ones are even left.  I don't remember from the names of these things, and even IMDb is hard to tell cause some of the names of the movies are different from what it's listed as online.

Abraxas is on the outskirts of well known stupid culty films, and it's no doubt because it stars Jesse Ventura in a dumbed down Terminator clone.  It's kiddy, it's stupid, and it has nothing it brings to the table besides basic movie presence.  I guess the cast is good enough.  Sven Ole-Thorsen as a villain with a giant accent much like Schwarzenegger is fun, and Jim Belushi in a small role.  The girl is a decent actress even if I haven't seen her in anything else and she hasn't acted for over 20 years.

This was at a weird time in Hollywood.  I think that movies and producers were starting to realize they couldn't market R rated movies to kids, and so they were dumbing them down.  Abraxas is really a PG approach to Terminator, but still with some of that leftover 80's mentality.  It had a budget, that's not the problem really, the problem is that it has no real interest factor and brings nothing new to the table, and instead seems content to basically be Terminator-Lite.

An alien comes to Earth and impregnates main girl Sonia.  Soon enough, Abraxas and Secundus (Sven Ole Thorsen) also come to Earth.  Secundus is after the girl because he wants her baby, Abraxas is guarding her from Secundus and his evil plan.  So basically Abraxas is Kyle Reese and Secundus is Arnold's Terminator.  The woman in this is just a weak loser, not a strong character like Linda Hamilton in Terminator.

That's really it.  It has a bit more attempts at "comedy" because in this movie, Abraxas and Secundus are both robots.  Or, not specifically robots, but some sort of artificially enhanced human type things.  They are immortal, they have robotic enhancements, and they have a voice that is built into them that is sort of like Siri for Terminators.  This is their "Answer Box" which interjects at times with things it says that are either "funny" or "smart" but are actually neither.

The movie goes how you'd expect if you saw Terminator.  Abraxas falls in love with Sonia.  Secundus is pure evil and eventually gets beaten.  Lalala, happy day.  There's no real cool effects either.  This film basically slashed all the cool violence and robots that Terminator had in trade for Jesse Ventura sitting around without a shirt on.

Good trade.

Sure, you could riff on it or make a drinking game out of it.  Rifftrax exists for it, and I've seen that also.  It's very forgettable, and honestly I didn't even remember I'd finished it until last night.

Spacemaster X-7 - 1958

I tired of the sci fi boxset as you might have guessed, although I do have Abraxas lined up to view next.  Anywho, I youtubed "50's monster movie" and blindly clicked on Spacemaster X-7 after seeing it was about a mutant fungus.

First of all who the hell named this thing?  Spacemaster X-7 has literally zero to do with what happens in this movie.  Nothing is ever a master, and the X-7 thing doesn't refer to anything I heard or saw during the entire film.  The fungus is technically from space, so there is that, but that's really the extent of it.  It comes from space, lands on Earth via a space probe, and a scientist gets ahold of it and starts trying to experiment with it.

Most of this film is, as you might expect....dialogue!  Dialogue, and people walking here and there, and what feels like a secondary plot actually becoming the entire focus of the film.

Laura Greeling has a child with scientist Charles Pommer.  She is in town to get custody of their kid but Pommer is busy studying the space fungus.  She tries to get him to pay attention to her, but he's way too immersed in work (we gather this is the same reason why they split up in the first place).  So anyways, when the fungus gets out of hand it kills Pommer and is apparently spreading with her now.  She's like, according to the movie, and I'm paraphrasing here, "A thousand typhoid Mary's rolled into one".

She is super concerned about getting back to Honolulu to meet back up with her new husband.  She doesn't want her new husband to know that she has an ex and a child with that ex.  So she is going to lie to her new husband and tell him that she adopted the kid?  So seriously, you're going to tell your new husband who you love SO much that you just randomly decided to adopt some kid?!  And he would be mad at you for having an ex and a kid, but won't be mad at you for some seemingly random adoption?!

Greeling goes through a lot of bullshit as the cops are looking for her, cause they know that she is probably holding the disease.  She goes to the airport, a hotel, she talks to people and orders things for delivery, etc.  Yet, there is never a single concern given for these people becoming sick with the fungus, or with anything falling out from that.  Heck even the cab driver, played by Moe Howard in an odd cameo, would have to be heavily monitored after coming into contact with her.  But, hehe, you know, F all that.

We follow Greeling and she does all sorts of pretty average things.  This movie is definitely a slow one, and not as interesting as I would've liked.  It lags in the middle quite a bit, but for it's era it is pretty average in that way.  It is interesting cause it's following a fugitive, and it's a personal story instead of the sci fi I expected.

The fungus is the only effect, and it's pretty good.  It doesn't look like more than some sorta black and grey thingy, and I can't imagine it was more than some random cloth and shit they used to make it appear on camera as a fungus.  The actors are good, and the story would've been sufficient except for the numerous plot holes I could point out with no problem.  In short, it's a very easily forgettable serviceable 50's sci fi movie with a thriller sorta drama twist.

3 stars.

Update 4/13/2017:  I just found out there was an Atari game named the same thing as this, Spacemaster X7.  It's not a video game based on the movie, it was just a weird coincidence.  I just thought that was really odd, and thought I'd mention it.

Demon Witch Child - 1975

Also known as "The Possessed".

Blind Dead films director Amando De Ossorio "pays homage" to The Exorcist by pretty much ripping it off in this beyond crumby Italian film.  Getting right to the plot on this one I guess!

I went to one of the Bay Area's hip movie stores with the wife a while back (actually more like over a year ago) and I was feeling rich, or I must've had money, cause I bought like 3 DVDs.  One of them was what I thought was an entire boxset, turned out is was just one part of this boxset.  However, it was still 4 movies on a double sided DVD, and I got Demon Witch Child as one of those movie (oh joy).

Demon Witch Child is a very directly named film, one that obviously has a lot of other titles to it, as you can tell by just looking at the thing.  It's below second, below third rate in it's existence, but you know, it is what it is and a bad movie veteran like me was able to watch it no problem.

The actors were actually in things in Spain, and like I said the director has done other things.  The Blind Dead series is one of those that's semi well known in the cult film circles, and one of the few series that was all made and directed by the same person.

I guess I'm straying from the movie here.  Not a ton to say about it.  Really awful makeup on a young girl makes her into a balding witch woman, who is evil and running amok in town.  There is the obligatory exorcism scene, early on, which doesn't pan out, and in general there's a lot more of the demon up and about in this one than The Exorcist.

Imagine if you will The Exorcist, but way more talky, with less interest factor, bad makeup, and no real thrills to be had, and that's just about what this movie is.  It's pretty bland and banal, but it's not the worst thing ever made.  It's a lot like any other rip off of any other movie ever made really, when it comes down to it.

Nothing stood out except how shitty the quality of the DVD was, and this is really one where it's almost too bad to even watch, so I can't say I recommend this boxset.  Oh and don't worry, I still have ones from that *other* boxset still to come!  This one gets, uh..........1.5 stars?

R.O.T.O.R. - 1987

What does some Terminator or Robocop ripoff like Rotor have in common with my childhood?  Well, apparently the director of Rotor (fuck that R.O.T.O.R. time wasting title) also directed a pretty average episode of Pink Panther called Pink Piper.  It was a take on the Pied Piper of course, who leads mice away from the besieged village.  I loved that show as a kid, and apparently, that director went on to do this movie.  Good job, guy.

Despite that cool factor, Rotor is a very traditional, average, and quite slow ripoff of Terminator.  Some movies are known for having ripoffs.  Everyone can name tons of 80's horror rip offs, but as a genuine sci fi fan, I have to say I didn't know there were so many Terminator, Alien, and Robocop rip offs out there in the wide world of cinema.  This is another one, and I'm not going to link the others I've reviewed.  You've got a mouse, use it.

The beginning title card and information crawl informs us, very slowly, that the Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research is building robots which are going to be elite crime fighters, that know martial arts and have a bevy of useful skills which can be used in the heat of battle.  Ridiculously named Barrett Coldyron must pursue Rotor after it is determined to be on the loose killing people.  The bodies accumulate, and various things happen as the movie goes from there.

Not a lot of real effects in this one.  There's a claymation robot thing doesn't appear much beyond the introduction piece.  Usually the robot is played by a quiet, large musclehead (sound familiar?) who hunts down his kills without much in the way of dialogue or apparent skill despite being hard to kill.  Seriously, this robot moves so slowly, and doesn't seem to have any real power despite the fact that it's hard to destroy.  Bullets don't stop it, obviously, Beating it up doesn't do jack shit.  So it's really a question of how they'll destroy it.

The movie goes, it's very average.  It's easy riff fodder, in fact I watched this on Rifftrax with my buddy before I ever saw it as a real movie.  In comparison, it's a pretty entertaining film either way, it's just that at this point I've seen it all before.  Nothing this movie had brought anything new to the table, but then again it wasn't any worse than anything else.

I might sound confused here, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not prime hunting ground for a cult movie night, or a drunk high experiment, or anything of that sort.  However, it's regular 80's sci fi fun, and you certainly shouldn't discount it for any reason.  If you want a prime slice of regular, by the numbers cheap thrills, this could very well fit the bill.
3 stars. And also, it's on the sci fi invasion boxset.

Don't Go in the Woods - 1981

Another year, another Don't.... movie.  I've covered several of these, and I guess I'm somewhat committed to seeing them all.  Of course, I'm only going by films that have the word in the title, if they are actually called something else and the "don't" is one of the many alternate titles, I "don't" count it.  See what I did there?

Don't Go in the Woods has a little story about it, as do a lot of these movies.  This is one of the many video nasties that existed, banned in the UK for quite an amount of time.  I definitely understand why Night of the Demon would get this label, but this movie was way calmer in comparison.  I remember no real nudity, and maybe a couple bad words.  There is blood, sure, but nothing over the top even by 1981 standards.  Texas Chainsaw was way more jarring than this woods based slasher.

The woods are a ever popular backdrop, probably a lot of people are scared of woods in real life, but I'm not one of them.  However, I'll certainly agree and understand that it's a great setting for a horror movie.  There's a reason it's so popular.  This time, we have....wait, guess!  Guess, come on.  Campers!  Obviously!  Camper friends Peter, Ingrid, Craig and Joanne go off the beaten path for a real backwoods adventure.

We get a few obligatory body racking up scenes before the foursome get butchered.  I especially loved it, because there's 4 of these "disposable death scenes" and each one is explained less.  First, its an ornithologist who's in the woods to watch birds.  Sure, makes sense.  He has a tiny little story and gets butchered after 2-3 scenes of him watching birds.  Then it's a woman and child, she's painting scenery.  This only gets one scene and one small follow up later.  Then it's a couple making out in their parked VW van.  One scene, zero follow up or consequence.  Lastly, the only black people in the movie, who come completely out of nowhere and are killed in approximately 30 seconds.  That last one just made me angry, as it seems like it was cut in solely to up the body count.

Don't Go is a very standard bottom of the barrel scratching horror flick, and it didn't bring anything new to the table.  The killer has literally zero explanation or motivation.  He is some crazy guy, dressed all wonky in animal furs, and his weapons range from machete to sharpened sticks.  We do see he has a cabin up in the woods somewhere, and that leads me to another point about these woods.

Sometimes I hate movies like this because exactly how big are these woods supposed to be?  These guys were out here hiking and camping for DAYS.  Then later, when it's convenient, the obese policeman can walk to the cabin and back to civilization easily in about 30 minutes, it seems.  Also, where are all these deaths in perspective to one another?  For the guys in the VW van, since it's not really an offroad vehicle, where are they that there's a road nearby and yet the killer can easily get to the vehicle and then back to his cabin which is, again, DAYS away?

Well, what did I really expect from the director of The Executioner, Part II and softcore porn film Sex Aliens? This movie was entertaining, however, much like Executioner II.  It teetered that so bad it's good line, had a fun soundtrack, and the characters were SUPER fucking annoying.  Seriously, the amount of times they spend screaming each other's names and making annoying sounds is probably 73% of the film.  That's why I actually remembered their names!  The screeching chipmunk voices of the characters yelling "Peter! Peeeeeeeter!  Peeteeeeeeeeeeer!" is forever ingrained in me now.

Still, 4 stars for being genuinely awful and in a rare feat, so bad it's great.

Invaders from Space - 1965

I'm on a regular Sci Fi Invasion boxset roll right now.  It's taken me a tremendous amount of time to get through this beast, considering everything.  I wasn't originally going to submit reviews for every movie, but then what's the point of owning the fucking thing if I did that?  Some of these movies, for example Extraterrestrial Invaders, The Creeping Terror, Horror High, The Alien Factor, and more, I had already seen before the boxset.  I waffled on whether or not to see these movies again for review purposes, or to just submit my review based on my memories of the films.

Ultimately, I still haven't decided a lot about the nature of my reviews, what I'm doing with my life, if I really want to have sex with another guy again or if women are enough, and where I'll be in 1 or 2 years or even 3 months.  There's a lot of strands in old duder's head right now.

Invaders from Space is diving back into my "oh so favorite" type of sci fi movies: those made from cut together TV serials.  I feel like I should not need to explain this AGAIN, so see the Rocky movie reviews or the Buck Rogers ones, or Fugitive Alien.  I am so ready to be done with these.

Invaders from Space is episodes 3 and 4 of Japanese TV show Super Giant.  Starring a Prince of Space like superhero known as Starman, Invaders from Space centers around invading aliens known as the Salamander Men.  Salamander Men is changed from the original Japanese series, in which they were the kappa, a race of malevolent beings that have obscured agendas and are mythological beings in Japan.

The Salamander Men begin to unleash a plague on mankind.  It's unclear at first how they are doing this, and mankind is freaked out.  Starman interjects, and discovers that the Salamander Men are using a local performing arts theater to spread the plague.  Why they're doing it this way is anyone's guess, but it does fit the theme of "what the fuck" that this movie is dripping plenty of.

When Starman meets up with these aliens, it's pretty silly.  Heck, silly is the word I would choose to apply to this entire film in general, but we're talking dancing around, over the top antics, seriously ridiculous dialogue, and the works.  There are of course kids thrown into the plot as well, since that was the demographic this show was aimed at, but they are not too annoying in this.  I will later on "get" to watch another installment of this series when I watch Evil Brain from Outer Space.

It's fun in an odd way, it's way better than most of these serials I have seen.  It's perhaps the Japanese factor and being way more decipherable than Fugitive Alien.  Also, it reminds me heavily of Prince of Space, which is one of my favorite MST3K episodes.  I'm rocking a MST3K t-shirt today btw.
3 stars.

Battle Beyond the Sun - 1959

Francis Ford Coppola got his start from Roger Corman.  Fact.  Two of his earliest films were in fact jobs give to him by Corman, and those were Battle Beyond the Sun (aka The Sky Calls) and The Terror.  Battle Beyond the Sun was one of these films like Gamera, made in another country and imported to the US cause it was cheap.  With some re-dubbing, a few new shots, and a clean up job, release it in the US and bank roll that muthafucka.

Straight from the trivia section of IMDb:  "Roger Corman gave Coppola the task of creating two monsters resembling genitalia (one male, one female) which were amusingly spliced into the film."  Yes, the most famous thing this movie is known for, was actually not even in it originally!  I mean look at the front of the movie:

I love how they put his name right on there as director.  He probably filmed about 20 seconds of footage in the entire film.  But, he's famous so, add him in there!  We've obviously seen this before, usually when an actor that would later become super famous was put in some second rate slasher like Cutting Class (1989).  

I wonder what type of payoff the original film, Nebo zovyot, had.  The cover of the movie is the final payoff of the American film, which isn't quite a spoiler if you've seen Corman, or is you're familiar with 50's monster movies.  It's all a lead in, Mars is the target for both Russian and American astronauts.  It's a toss up of who is going to win, but since the movie is Russian, they do eventually arrive first.  And this huge vagina beast is what awaits them.  Which is cool, I guess.

This movie had a ton of lead in, not a lot of pay off, and was very much a genuine 1959 flick.  It has the pacing, the feel, etc.  It is color, which wasn't hugely popular at the time especially among the normally low budgeted science fiction genre.  It's also a very quick hour and 17 minutes, over before you know it.

It's not hugely memorable, the end monsters are obviously the best part, and getting to that end part I'll rate as "good/average".  Also, given the names attached, it is one of the better known classic sci fi movies, and I'd known the cover of it long before I'd seen the movie.  Anyways.  It's fun, but be prepared for slowness and not a lot of interest factor.

Escape from Galaxy 3 - 1981

Did I watch these and decide to write the review later, then forget?  Or was I too drunk to remember watching them at all, and only retained the slightest memory of the film?

I started the Sci Fi Invasion boxset with a basic and flawless plan:  watch all of one disc, move on to the next one, and keep on this path until all 50 were finished.  Butttttttt....I watched a few out of order because I had seen films before/I wanted to see something else/different moods I was in.  Then, at some point, I started films without finishing them.  Then, I apparently had films like this, which I watched all of and then, DIDN'T review?!

So I had to watch Escape from Galaxy 3 twice.  I kinda really fucked myself over on that one.  I never would've normally seen this one twice.  It's not like it's all that bad, it's just that as you might guess, I have trillions of movies I need to watch.  And as you can see, what frustrates me the most is that I might end up watching movies twice, wasting my time, when I could have seen a new one and gotten that much more through the Sci Fi boxset.

Escape from Galaxy 3 is a lot like Hyper Sapien, also from the boxset.  I thought of that movie both as I was watching Galaxy 3, and later when I was formulating the review in my head.  You've got pretty similar plots:  Aliens land on Earth and it's mostly a big so what.  They have powers, but don't use them for too much, and eventually they begin to love life on Earth over what they used to have.  Both movies have other aliens that are hunting them, putting innocent lives in danger.

Galaxy 3 is perhaps "better".  I say that because it's not as childish on the outset.  It doesn't have a cheesy childish muppet for number one, but also it has nudity, has more action and violence, and is faster paced.  In it, Belle and Lithan land on Earth.  They are pursued by the evil, jewel bearded black guy character.  They immediately become interested in human interaction.  They especially are interested in the sexual practices of humans, or maybe that's only because it seems every human they come upon is in the midst of coitus.

Things go from there.  Again, for like the umpteenth time in this set, I wondered who the target audience was.  Sure, this is Italian, and nudity and sex wasn't as "bad" in Europe especially in the 80's.  But this is far too silly for an older audience, and not very exciting and very sexual for a younger audience.  Pretty much those age 9-13 are the only ones who might like it, and that's being very generous.  For a taste of how nutty this film can be, check out this ridiculous alien costume:

A starfish on her breast?  Seriously?

I was mildly entertained, and perhaps with copious amounts of weed this movie would be a lot better, but as it stands, 2.5 stars is way too generous.

The Brother From Another Planet - 1984

Where can I start with The Brother From another Planet?  John Sayles is a well know, independent, interesting film maker.  Men With Guns stands as a film I loved, as was Matewan.  His style is not for everyone, and his movies are definitely hit or miss, however.  He has directed films that have won major awards, and films that are rated extremely lowly and generally forgotten.  Sort of the nature of the beast when it comes to independent film.

The Brother From another Planet was his first really big, successful film.  It was a film that was a major work for quite a while and what it's doing on the Sci Fi Invasion boxset, well, uh, I don't really know.  I guess it must've slipped into the public domain somehow.  But to be honest, I would be willing to bet that this one is a film that is at least semi up-for-consideration for a Criterion edition boxset that sells for an unprecedented 49.95.

The film itself is an analogy.  It's a look at our society from an outsider perspective, and it has plenty of, I'm sure at the time, relevant things to say.  I'm not saying it's aged badly, I'm just saying that looking at it 33 years later, it's obviously lost some impact.

Joe Morton stars as an alien, a black man who lands in New York.  He is unable to speak, and he traverses the city experiencing American life.  This movie takes it's time getting there, but in short "the brother" experiences everything from racism to sex to brotherly love and more.  He sees the seedy parts of the city, the beauty of it, and he interacts with the locals.

The "brother" has various unidentified powers.  He has a way with machinery, controlling it to his whim and fixing it.  He can also mend wounds in himself and presumably others.  He can pull out his eyeball and see through it after it's separated from his body, and in short, is a dynamically powered individual.  We never get a taste of how far his powers truly extend, and it's one of the many parts of this movie to go unexplained.

The "brother" is meanwhile pursued by two men wearing all black.  They're white men, and unlike him they can speak.  They are eccentric, and full of John Sayles weird-isms that someone like me who has seen a lot of his movies knows to expect.  They emit screeching sounds, they act zany and bizarre, and to boot one of them is even played by Sayles himself.

The plot goes from there, we see a lot of different interactions of different levels of believability.  It's a hopeful movie, one about the power of community, the opportunity of the world, and the strength of friendships.  It's not big on reason and explanation, but it needs not be.  This is back when movies didn't spell things out for us the way they do now, and I appreciate that some things go unexplained.

I really don't know how to rate it though.  Shot well, well acted, extremely memorable, yet also quite slow, full of supposed "plot holes" and very open to interpretation.  It's kind of the epitome of the independent film, and maybe that's why I like it.  It shows a person who is essentially blank, experiencing out world for the first time.  He has no reaction to it, and that's because we as the audience are supposed to react.  And that's why I like directors like John Sayles.  He asks you, as the audience, to be an active participant in the film.  Some will be willing.  Other won't be.

I give it 3.5 stars though.  It's a little bit long, and it's got a bit too much weirdness in it to age well.  I feel like perhaps they weren't sure what to do with the idea, and I understand why.  It's a difficult idea, and it doesn't lend itself well to multiple outcomes.

Beyond the Moon / The Gypsy Moon - 1954 / 1956

Please see my review of Silver Needle in the Sky as to what this is.

(And I was really tempted just now to make that the entire review)

Sigh....This is two more lengthy installments of Rocky Jones.  Each one of these is 3 episodes, strung along together and made to appear as if it's a complete story.  Of course, it's not very complete.  It's not the least sensible thing I've ever seen, but it is clearly not meant to be self contained as a film.

Sometimes, you think to yourself, yeah, I get this.  You're watching it, and you're like, okay I get that this is for kids, but it's not that bad.  It's like that old Batman show with Adam West.  When Robin would say stuff like "holy hoodwink Batman".  What I'm saying is that the demographic for this show, kids who were born in the 40'-50's, is gone.  Obviously.

These movies are quite interchangeable.  Beyond the Moon has a plot about Bobby, the kid, being brainwashed by the evil aliens, and turning against Rocky Jones.  The Gypsy Moon has a plot about a warring couple of moons who come into contact with Rocky and they try to get him to end their war for them.  Along the way, Vena, the girl on Rocky's team as well as token old guy Professor Newton have minor roles and are occasionally more or less annoying.

If I sound more negative in this review than I was for Silver Needle, I think it's cause this concept wears thin very quick.  I cannot imagine watching all 13 movies.  Oh god.  I cannot, cannot imagine watching 13 of these.  I might literally go insane.

I was pretty into giving Silver Needle 3 stars as being a classic sci fi thing, and I'll downshift that to 2 stars for these two entries, but it is not as bad as Planet Outlaws still.  Sci Fi Boxset of course had these cause this is public domain bullshit.

Fugitive Alien - 1987

Way back when I saw A Colt is My Passport I thought Shishido Jo looked prety weird.  What I probably didn't pick up on was that I actually had seen him before in a piece of odd sci fi dreck called Fugitive Alien, which was mocked by MST3K.  I bought that set, oooh lets see....over 4 years ago (!?) in mid July.  Wow.  That's amazing.

I just realized that I've almost hit the 2 years mark with this blog.  Wow, it's insane how fast time goes by. Like that MST3K boxset, it does not feel like that long.  My first MST3K boxset, boxset number 4, I bought when it was brand new in November 2003!  When I hadn't even graduated high school!  I've owned MST3K boxsets for 13 years!  Holy god, something is somehow very wrong with that.  Moreover, they've been steadily releasing MST3K boxsets for 14 years (since the first one in November 2002) and the whole show has still not been released.  I wonder if it deserves some award for the longest it's taken to release a show on DVD?

Back to Fugitive Alien, this one, when skewered by MST, is hard to watch.  The plot is completely indiscernible, and they sing that "Forklift song" a tons of times, which really takes you out of the movie.  I'm gonna go on record and say it's one of my least favorite Joel era MST3K episodes, simply cause I've seen the film probably...6-7 times, and I still have no idea what is actually going on in the episode.  It's a bit too much going on for me to get a grasp on the MST version.

So, it was also included on the Sci Fi boxset, and now I got to see it free of commentary from Joel and the bots, and wow, that was something else.  First of all, it's a movie much like Planet Outlaws and Silver Needle in the Sky where it's a collection of TV show episodes that were edited together, called a movie, and released with little to no regard for the fact that it doesn't flow and makes no fucking sense.

When I watched this movie without MST commentary, yes it made more sense.  I was down for a good watching and critique, and I even liked it. Some things threw me for a loop, but I remained optimistic as the move went on, and I slowly lost my patience and forgot what was happening.  That's when I realized, holy shit, I'm only 16 minutes into this thing.  Yes, this movie feels like about the longest piece of shit in the entire world.  It's long, long, long.

No plot, no explanation, just half a star