Dr. Giggles - 1992

I was in a mood for a stupid horror film and I rented Dr. Giggles.  It looked fucking retarded, so I picked it up from the library.  IMDb describes this as Horror, Suspense, Comedy?  Why Comedy?  There was no fucking comedy in this at all.

This is the vision of self aware, as shown first by the year...  And there are tons of stupid puns and one liners.  If you can think of a doctor themed pun, it exists in this film.  Everything from jokes about lab coats to jokes about doctors loving golf.  There's a shit ton of self aware acting by main actor Larry Drake, but it's likable enough and at least it moves fast.

Like I was just saying, the plot does move, and there's enough deaths in it to keep this movie moving.  There is a ton of deaths, there are several that are doctor related with certain tools or tricks and of course, stupid puns.  Dr. Giggles laughs a lot, I guess that's why the movie is called that, although there are zero references to that name in the film.

I'm pretty sure it was a dumb, forgettable B horror film in both intention and delivery.  2.5 stars.

Desert Heat - 1999

Woof.  I guessed 1990.  Maybe because this looked and felt Old, with a capital O bro.  Jean Claude Van Damme foooooool.  I am watching his flicks, in other words.

JCVD is a suicidal ex marine or something who hangs out with his sort of imaginary, sort of real friend played by Danny Trejo.  JCVD gets roped into the drama of a small desert town when he gets robbed at gunpoint and left for dead.  Three local inbred weirdos and their dad make JCVD be out for vengeance and he meets up with a local hot chick at a restaurant, and shit gets all weird.

What else to say about it?  Oh!  There is a scene where JCVD is wearing only underwear and Danny Trejo massages his feet.  I bet some people were regrettably rock hard during that scene.  Ummm, classic JCVD ass shot.  There's a bit of topless nudity.  There is a few cool action scenes I guess.  I was 99% sure Trejo was imaginary the entire time except at one point the bad guys capture him and kill him.  That was weird.

I texted my buddy during it and described it was "nowhere near even the top 20 of the best JCVD films".  It's kinda boring and it is nowhere near as funny as it wants to be at a lot of times.  2 stars.

Update:  I just discovered this is sort of inspired by Kurosawa's Yojimbo, which I could totally see.  Also, this is directed by Rocky and Karate Kid director John G. Alvidsen.  Weird.

Don't Look Now - 1973

Does my "Don't" marathon exist without one of the BEST known films starting with the word Don't?  Arguably, the word Don't doesn't have that many known titles.  This is likely the best known one, although I wouldn't fathom a guess as to what the other known Don't movies are.

Don't Look Now stars Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie in a slow burn suspense thriller from director Nicolas Roeg.  I first run into Roeg through his film either 1) Walkabout or 2) Wake in Fright.  I honestly don't remember.  Brief IMDb access tells me it was Walkabout.  He would later be best known for the David Bowie film The Man Who Fell To Earth.

Anywho, in Don't Look Now, Sutherland is working in an old church where he is doing restorations.  This takes place somewhere in Italy I guess, though I don't remember where, or if it ever really said.  In the beginning of the film, Sutherland and Christie have their daughter drown to death and it appears as if Sutherland sort of had a premonition regarding it.  As time goes on, both he and his wife have premonitions about upcoming deaths.

The slow burning aspect of this film means we have plenty of time to sit with Sutherland and Christie, and they do have one of the best sex scenes I have ever seen in a film, period.  As time goes on, there is plenty of odd weirdness and other shit happens.  It's a almost two hour movie, and most of it moves really well.  It moves quickly and there is a lot of cool shit in here.  At some point Sutherland's wife disappears, and he has to hunt for her.

This is a classic horror suspense film, loved by Ebert and making an appearance on the 1001 Movies to See Before You Die.  It's got cult and classic appeal both, but for me, I dunno.  It seemed a bit slow.  Maybe nonsensical.  It seemed a bit unclear what was happening.  I'll give it a 4.

Project Metalbeast - 1995

Aww fuck it. I dialed in this Amazon 90s fare expecting and wanting slush and that's what I got.

It took me a bit to watch it and I don't exactly remember the why or how of the flick but that's sorta the point now isn't it? To be mildly entertained and that's it?

Project Metalbeast is some stupid movie with Barry Bostwick and no one else memorable and essentially it's the whole "government creates monster" thing.

This time it's a psuedo werewolf and its out for blood. Thing looks pretty good too! So the effects deliver and the plot who cares and that's all ya need right?

Could've had more monster, but it was never gonna get more than a 1.5 anyways.

Sister Street Fighter - 1974

One more Street Fighter movie down... This one I'd for sure not seen before.  At this point in the series I believe it really went off the rails, though I'll have to check imdb later to be sure.

From my memory, Karate Bear Fighter and Karate Bull Fighter remain. But this was a departure by taking Sonny Chiba and putting him in more of a cameo role, as the main character is clearly the "Sister".

Sister Street Fighter has this innocent enough girl go against bad guys and seek revenge, but the plot takes too much dialogue as we wait for shit to happen. I fell asleep the entire film the first watching.

Gone are the cool effects and editing, gone is the charismatic main hero, gone is the music (mostly) and instead this sorta becomes a rape and revenge standard 70s grab bag.

Sonny Chiba appears in the very ass end and helps save the day, as if to cement the point that even though this is Sister Street Fighter, she can't actually defeat the baddies alone.

half a star.

The Suckling - 1990

I've had movies be reviewed multiple times on this site but I don't know if I've completely changed my mind on any. I re-watched The Suckling, which is not one that I ever thought I would re-watch. My original review spoke so negatively of it that I actually think I must have watched something else. This movie didn't seem familiar at all.

What you have is the story of a woman who goes to a crazy abortionist in the very beginning and in possibly some of the most graphic fashion I've ever seen we see an aborted fetus get dumped down the tubes. The fetus somehow comes alive and starts to mutate, with no explanation that I could remember.  Then it attacks a whorehouse full of random people... Yes we're talking a movie that is riding that self-aware wave.

But it's not bad. The music in the beginning is great, the acting is all over the place, but is often so bad it's good, the effects are amazing. I'm sure  this person must have come from an effects background. I already know without checking that these effects guys have worked on other things and are probably well known.

Eventually we get stuck where it's a bunch of guys in a locked house talking, and sometimes the dialogue and the pacing isn't the best, but I think they also knew that it wasn't going to be so they tried to keep things happening throughout. A lot of times the politics of the group in the house as well as the overall threat of the monster are both entertaining enough to keep it from getting too dull.

I'm fucking convinced that I haven't seen this before and it would for sure be a great midnight movie type of thing. Drinky, Smokey, Friends one, sort of pay attention and sort of do something else. Four stars.

Return of the Street Fighter - 1974

And we're back with the return of Sonny Chiba as the Street Fighter which came out the same year as the first film. I might as well review these since I have them on a box set, right? I don't feel like I'm watching any movies these days at all so at least you're getting something.

In the sequel we have some flashbacks to the first film including the last testicle ripping scene, and we have another plot about Sonny Chiba being on either side for some sort of political nonsense plot line. All culminates in the fight scene towards the end, and I will say that this time they needed more action.

The music is back, the clothes are back, the over-the-top acting is back, and it definitely entertains a lot. However, like I was saying, I could have done with a few more action scenes especially in the beginning.

Some nudity in it this time was nice and there is a funny scene where Sonny stabbed someone with a gun.. oh, yes you read that right.

3 stars

Carnal Highways / Carnal Olympics - 1979 / 1983

I was gifted this random DVD by my ex wife.  Your ex wife gives you porn, things must be at least kind of good right?

This is actual porn.  I expected softcore with a plot and more of "that kind" of thing.  Also, I wonder if there are still the theaters showing porn these days.  I wonder when that stopped being so much of a thing.  I'm sure there were protests, lawsuits, arrests, which ended that whole fad.  But it's fascinating because these DVDs come in a case that shows all the old advertisements and fliers for seeing these porns, in actual theaters.  Where presumably you could jerk it.

Vinegar Syndrome put out this double DVD pack and I put it on last night, in a weird mood I guess.  I enjoyed a glass of cheap wine and watched Carnal Highways first.

Carnal Highways is the story of two aimless dudes who buy a semi truck, and they're eager to hit the roads to deliver their load of desks to San Francisco.  They know that truckers apparently have a reputation for being horny all the time, and so they are also looking to get laid.   They encounter a woman who first recounts a lesbian experience before both truckers fuck her.  Then they continue on, having sex with many women before the end scene where they deliver the desks and group sex ensues.

Carnal Olympics is a kinkier story.  There is a competition on to see which porn actress is the best, and naturally the way to decide this is to have the actresses engage in a lot of porn.  They have a threesome lesbian scene first, then group sex, then they have to seduce police officers.  In the end, there is like a 30-40 minute group sex scene where every guy jerks off into a bucket!

There's so much to say about this double set.  First of all, the actor in Carnal Highways who plays the Mexican dude was not hard most of the movie.  In fact, one thing I noticed is that a lot of the times the dudes would start off flaccid and the girl would have to excite him.  Seems like every guy I see in porn now is rock hard from instant one.  Second off, the hairy girls and the hairy armpits is of course different.  Full on pubic hair, hairy armpits, it's just not seen anymore.  And of course, the difference in girls bodies.  They went for a theme here, having really tall women.  And some of their breasts and other bodies are just not seen in porn nowadays, which I think is kinda too bad.

Was it hot?  Yes, I think so.  I found myself aroused.  Hell, I'll say it, I masturbated to one of the police seduction scenes.  They have anal sex once on the DVD, the lesbian scenes are good, and the long orgy scene in Carnal Olympics is pretty phenomenal.

I haven't reviewed true actual porn on this site, nor was it ever my intention to.  But this is honestly really fun to revisit.  The dialogue is as bad and forced as you remember from being a kid, the music is wacky, the acting terrible.  The people fucking look like some person you'd see at a book store, and that's both refreshing and hot in a way.  Porn, plots aside, used to be way more realistic.  I think we can all agree on this.  Also, the camera work and angles are more like real sex too.  You don't see a lot of insertion or anything else like we see now.  Sometimes the closeups are on literally two blurry thighs sort of moving.

I'd recommend it for fun, definitely.  3 stars.

Planets Against Us - 1962

I put in this 60s film.  A bit about my life now first.   I have been in the cabin, and I literally went through a long period of not watching anything.  I just haven't been in the mood, and with the library and all closed, and since my video rental store has a shitty as fuck collection, I was getting by on only watching The Twilight Zone...  which will eventually get a review, cause fuck it, why not.

This is a typical 50's feeling sci fi flick complete with all the dialogue, vague plot pieces, and glacial movement you'd expect.  It has been a long, long time since I saw something like this.  But I knocked it out, as I do.

This movie is very much dialogue driven, and I guess that makes sense.  Essentially, there is a alien on Earth who has taken the image of a recently deceased guy. This alien somehow appears at multiple places on the globe in the first few minutes of the movie, and when the government finds out about this, they begin an investigation and there is a mystery afoot.

You know, I watched this a day or two ago I guess, but I seriously don't remember anything about this.  I might have fallen asleep, I did sip a nice Irish whiskey during it, but was not drunk for sure.  I think it was completely unremarkable....that might be the problem...?

Either way, it kept me mildly entertained sometimes, but it was slow as cold molasses and it had no thrills to it at all.  Cool monster shots at the very end for like 15 seconds.  1.5 stars.

Prophecy - 1979

Aw, my breeding ground.  The 70's, horror, sci fi.  I rented this from the very limited and extremely random selection had at my local Super 1 Foods, where there's a built in little movie rental place.  It's still open and running.  Essential business y'all.

Prophecy was a movie I'd seen before many years ago.  In one of my killer animals/giant monster marathon runs I used to have in the day, I rented this and saw it for the first time probably 12 years ago.  I kept it in the back of my mind, and this is my first time rewatching it.

Robert Foxworth, Talia Shire, and Armand Assante star in a film by John Frankenheimer.  Those are a lot of names for a late 70's horror, but since Jaws had made a big "splash" earlier in the 70's, this got made and made with a surprisingly high amount of seriousness and budget.

Phophecy starts with some killed hikers and a environmental specialist being brought in.  He is Robert Foxworth, and he doesn't want kids but his wife (Talia Shire) is pregnant and hasn't told him yet.  They reach the land where the deaths happened and are greeted by hostile Indians, led by Armand Assante as John Hawk.  They investigate the land and a nearby paper mill.  Turns up that there are giant mutant fish and other things everywhere, and it might be because the paper mill is dumping mercury into the water.  Sure enough, that's the case and the proof is in the 9 foot mutant bear that's hunting and killing people.

This movie kicked my ass.  It has tons of cool acting first of all, and the violence ranges from hilarious to some of the best of it's time.  Visible wires during several scenes clash perfectly with prime puppet sort of practical effects, but it all looks awesome and every other part of this movie is selling the shit out if it.

The fact is that I was unprepared for the pacing, and even for it's time it moves very slow in parts.  I checked several times to see how much was left.  That said, it really brings the thrills at other parts.  Yes, certain things prevent it from being taken seriously, but if you look at it as a prime so-bad-it's-good specimen, than it definitely succeeds.   I'd give it 3.5 stars.

The Street Fighter - 1974

I don't know if I ever really saw this movie before. I know Sonny Chiba and I know I've seen some of his movies, I also know of the Street Fighter series and I know of the multiple sequels therein. But I honestly don't remember if I'd ever seen this movie before. I guess I fail.

I put it on last night having recently re-watched both Kill Bill 1 and 2. It's easy to see where that movie got its lineage. Street Fighter is brutal and violent and groundbreaking and overly stylistic and all that would later be known as Quentin Tarantino's trademark Style.

Early on in the film it's apparent that Street Fighter draws a lot from classic japanese Cinema. Toshiro Mifune was basically the same character in most of his movies, and even looks very similar to Sonny Chiba. They both have similar facial expressions and I would have to think that Chiba was deliberately modeling himself after Mifune.

There's all sorts of fun and wild things happening in this movie too. Besides the fact that the plot moves fast, there is multiple story lines going on at the same time, there is brand-new groundbreaking special effects, and there is an antihero dark main character who we want to learn more about.

I've started to watch the sequel right after the first one, but honestly without getting too much into the sequel let me just say that the first film is a necessary, amazing, still relevant and groundbreaking film to this day and I give it five stars.