Thursday, April 16, 2015

Convict 762 - 1997

You're probably wondering what ever happened to my reviews of boxsets just about now.  Yes, it's true, I haven't done one in a little while and I feel quite ashamed.  You know what I did though, I drastically overbooked myself.  I went and got myself 6 fuckin boxsets, and I have Netflix, and Amazon, and Hulu, and I have movies I rent from the library.  Then I bought VHS (See: Swordsman II review) and I also have other movies I find online, or movies I get from "wherever".

I took a vacation recently.  My wife and I went to Idaho, the state I was born in, and a place where a lot of my family still resides.  While we were there we stopped in at some gas station that I think was a Love's, and there they have just about every random thing you can think about.  We got macaroni with bacon flavored Lay's chips (not bad, but not especially "macaroni and bacon" flavored) we got some bizarre flavored Mountain Dew soda, and we were almost going to leave when my wife spotted the discount DVD rack.

These DVDs were extremely cheap.  3 for $10 might not seem like the bottom-of-the-barrel prices you'd normally "write home about" (in this case, "write online about") except that some of these DVDs were multi-movie packs!  Thus I picked up 10 movies for $10.  I got one 5 movie action pack featuring Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal, I got one 2-movie pack that I forget, and then I got this:

Just about as awesome as it looks, this is a bottom of the barrel DVD release indeed.  It's a fucking cardboard sleeve!  The DVD, not pictured, is a double sided beast not even worthy of a protector sleeve.  Now I know what you're thinking:  but you've already reviewed Dark Planet!  Yes, I did actually forget that I'd seen that movie.  It was that forgettable.  So, now I own a copy....yaaaaay...
This will count as a boxset though, and thus we begin what is going to be a very easy boxset review for me, only one movie left!

In Convict 762, which feels extremely made for TV, the storyline goes that a ship of all-females is flying around in a bad CGI vessel, when they run into something and they lose a bunch of fuel.  The nearest place to gas up is a highly dangerous prison planet, and they don't wanna go but have no other option.  Once they land they find a guy who claims to be a guard and tells them Convict 762 killed everyone else, and is now loose on the planet.  762 boards the ship of course, and is played by Billy Drago.

Once 762 and the prison guard are on board, Drago gets loose, people start dying, and the plot goes through a washing machine.  You see, of course the "guard" guy is himself a prisoner, and now they can't trust's all very "been there done that".  No, the all-female crew does not have lesbian sex, and the closest we get to nudity is in the last 5 minutes of the flick.  

It's your standard who's the bad guy type plot and when Drago "dies" the lead chick decides to have sex with the "guard".  Then she goes up to the ship's cabin, and in the worst sequence ever, "thinks about" what's happened since they got both men on board and then randomly decides the "guard" is in fact the evil one.  So the two minutes in which you decided that the "guard" was evil is enough to convince you thoroughly?!  And why would you not "think about what happened" before you fuck the guy?!!!

Anyways, the end sucked.  The movie sucked.  The editing was under the premise that "maybe if we show random shots of dimly lit guys laughing and saying indeterminable things, that will be scary?" and the acting by the females was horrendous.  Billy Drago was overacting like a true OG and the prison guard dude was also horrid.  This movie gets denounced to half a star because of the stupid fucking end.

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