Swamp Thing - 1982

So yeah man.  Here we go.  This is Wes Craven?!  This is Wes Craven, doing a fucking Swamp Thing movie and it's genuine 80's madness.  So, I am going to do some research here.  Obviously, DC movies had come out before, namely Superman with Christopher Reeve.  But, from my 1 minute or so of research, I can't see a lot of other DC movies before this.  WTF was the idea with making this one of the first DC movies?!

Swamp Thing apparently has some cult status to it.  It's easy to see why.  It's very uncommon that a big, established director like this will direct some sort of obscure, bizarre somewhat-action, somewhat-sci fi and also comic book movie, based on an even more obscure, even more bizarre comic book hero.  I mean really, whose fucking idea was this anyways?  A Swamp Thing movie?  With nudity?  The fuck you say?

It was a different era.  It was an era when they realized that kids movies could be cool, and dark, and weird, and have nudity.  It was an era where the sheer weirdness and outright creepiness of a concept was normal, where the main good guy is critically underwritten, the plot vague, the special effects awesome, and the whole industry different.

Yo, so check this.  Ray Wise is a ever lovable scientist in the middle of the woods, doing random experiments with glowing green slime.  Adrienne Barbeau is a fellow scientist or something who comes and joins the team.  Sparks of attraction fly between the two of 'em while in the meantime, baddies show up and get involved in the scene, trying to take the green goo.  Some of it eventually gets on Ray, he bursts into flames, runs into the swamp, and is presumed dead.  But now, a huge green monster shows up, and seems to be helping Barbeau and the other good guys!  Say What?!

This movie rides that weird line of being both kinda dumb and lowbrow while also being entertaining enough to keep one watching.  It does have an easy accessibility to it, it's likable, and the charming Barbeau makes a huge difference.  I was going to go on a big "whatever happened to Adrienne Barbeau?" rant but IMDb shows she's been working like crazy forever, and I apparently missed her in Argo and other actual films.  Still, she does seem to have dropped a bit from the public eye.

I did like this.  I may have taken an edible and watched part of it while high.  I may have thoroughly been swept up by the story, but my exhaustion made me watch it in two sittings.  Ultimately, it's the definition of a campy, kiddy, weirdo and surely dumb movie, but fun in all of those ways.

Gunan, King of the Barbarians - 1982

Did I mention I got a second job?  I work at a nice little bottle shop in the Castro area of SF, and it's feeding both my desire to make more money and my desire to learn about whiskey and beer more.  I work a lot though, and then my days off become more precious and more busy.  I haven't had much time for movies lately.  Although, I did carve out time for rewatching X2 and X3: The Last Stand.  Make of that what you will.

Gunan, King of the Barbarians is exactly what you think it is.  Is it a super unknown rip off of Conan The Barbarian?  Yes.  Italian?  Yes.  Super shitty, low budget, and skip-able?  Yessir.

This is the type of flick where they name it Gunan and then the main character is not even called that horrendous name.  Seriously, if you're going to rip it off, at least own the fact your ripped it off.  The main character is actually named Zukahn, and is played by some charmless Italian guy going by an American pseudonym.  This movie, again, exactly what you expect.

I don't feel like I have a ton to say about this.  I barely paid attention.  There was people in animal furs with swords saying things, and dull looking desert backgrounds.  There was some sort of plot I think, something about twins separated at birth and one of them being Gunan - or, I mean, Zukahn.

Also known as Lost Warrior and The Invincible Barbarian, this is a flick one will not watch.  You can't watch this, legally.  I think the law states you're only allowed to tolerate it.  Watching and paying attention can get you 10 years to life I think. I give it a star for trying.