The Naked Jungle 1955

Charlton Heston and some lady star in this slow, slow a movie about ants, but really it's about Charlton Heston and the other girl not getting along.

in the beginning we see that Charlton Heston is some guy living in the Amazon who sends for a mail-order wife. When she arrives the woman wants nothing more than to love him, but apparently she's married to the biggest assholes of all time and this guy just wants her to shut the fuck up.

I'm serious though he's a total ass the whole movie and no explanation is ever given. He's downright abusive and yet she wants nothing but to be his wife and it's very demeaning towards women. Not to sound super woke or anything but this is a type of film that I'm surprised that was ever made because of how unnecessarily offensive it is.

a long time goes by without nothing happening until the last 30 minutes random ants appear in Charlton has to fight them. The effects in their are pretty okay but overall the really slow movie that is really really bad. Despite the fact that I got it used with a sticker that says a great film stuck to the front of the VHS,

The Island of Lost Souls - 1932

Further trips back in time, and I rented this without knowing it was a take on previously reviewed The Island of Dr. Moreau.

The essential plot of this is much like King Kong. In fact, I wonder if Kong as a story was basically ripping off the Moreau story. A bunch of foolhardy explorers come to a remote island where they find some weird indiginous people guarding a secret. That movie the secret was a giant monkey. This movie, the secret is half man half animal mutants that are taking orders from a mad scientist.

I guess a lot of these older movies have a lot in common really. The twisted perversion of science giving way to some sort of abomination or something truly evil is the major theme. This was fear of technology before it was cool, manifesting itself in the artistic mind.

Once our troop in this movie gets to the island, there is absolutely no build towards any reveal, because they are practically greeted at the shore by these hairy mutants. I think they have a dialogue about how it's just the native look, no big deal, but in short it's a thin excuse and once we learn the "truth" later it's kinds like - yeah, I know, obviously.

There's a lot of dialogue and the movie being just over one hour it still felt like it fucking crawled by. Dr. Moreau in this is played by Charles Laughton, and he is given a lot of explanation and talking as we plug along. And suffice to say, this movie was a short trip to yawns-ville, population me.

Bela Lugosi has a small role and should've been in the movie more, and other than that, there's not much to say. 1 star.

The Incredible Hulk - 1977

I have never seen the popular Hulk tv series starring Lou Ferrigno. It was before my time and it wasn't doing reruns, not that I had cable anyways.

Bill Bixby stars as David Banner, not sure why they changed the name. David is a science guy working on something having to do with muscle triggering, he's interested in the sudden strength people get when they're confronted with these life or death situations- people that have flipped over cars and the like.

David casually decides to irradiate himself with gamma radiation eventually and accidentally takes on a million units when he meant to take 300,000. He breaks down in his car that night and gets mad, transforming into the Incredible Hulk!

This was a made for tv movie that was pretty good. The actors are invested, the plot moves, the cheesiness is fun enough but not in your face. They actually tried, and it shows.

I would assume that the tv show was based on this, and if that's any indication, this movie was met well. And it should've been, it's a fine and entertaining movie that executes the idea well. Especially given the material. 3.5 stars.

Bride of Chucky / Seed of Chucky - 1998/2004

I might as well, huh? I don't think I'd seen these before. Fuck, I might've though.

Chucky is back in, well, both of these actually, despite dying in every sequel the series has ever had. Anyways, there's always a reason, and in Bride, Jennifer Tilly as an old girlfriend raises Chucky from the dead. She turns against him when he's an asshole to her, and then he kills her and puts her soul into a female doll.

Bride, honestly, was watchable though. It does feel a bit more self aware and trying to be comedic, but it still remains in decent territory because the plot is intricate enough to keep you going. Katherine Heigl and her fiancee are going to the East Coast, and they have the dolls with them creating a string of bodies in their wake, hence the two lovers are framed and have to escape the cops. Chucky and his bride clash, deaths are had, and it's fine enough, 2.5 stars.

In Seed, we start with the stupid fact they gave Chucky's son/daughter a awful British voice actor, and then we are also soon enough aware that there is going to be a lot more meta humor and nodding/winking to the audience. At one point Chucky turns to the camera and says "My story is so complicated if it was a film it would have 3 or 4 sequels!"

With Seed, we have a further marked departure towards comedy and stupidity, and it's just dumb. A lot of time during the film, I just sat there, looking blankly at the screen wondering, "What the fuck am I doing?"

This is straight from Wikipedia: "Universal Pictures, which produced the previous three films and had expected a more conventional slasher film with the son being a murderous villain, rejected the script with the note 'This is too gay.'" Hilarious.

This one fucking sucked. It's like, not only does the film suck, but the deaths aren't even that great, and it has the weakest death of Chucky yet. Also, stupid trying-to-be-ambiguous ending that you just want to say shut up. They try to do a whole meta thing a lot and it's just not that great. One star.

Child's Play Part III - 1991

I remember being surprised with how much I enjoyed Childs Play Part 2 when I saw it a couple years ago. It, and especially the end, was not the typical shitty sequel, especially in the horror genre where you get a lot of shitty sequels.

Child's Play III, which I got on a Chucky six film boxset, was one I haven't seen in a long time, or possibly, haven't seen ever? I remembered exactly one part of this film: I knew that Andy was in a military academy and there was a scene where Chucky was crawling under a bed with a knife, going for Andy's achillies tendon. Ugh.

So yeah, Andy is now a young adult - maybe 16, 17 or something, and he's in a military school because he got taken from his mom and caused enough trouble to get sent here. Chucky, in the beginning, is exactly where we left him, melted in a factory that's getting revamped to start doll production again. Some of Chucky's blood gets mixed into a vat of melted plastic and soon enough he's back in his full foul-mouthed glory.

This movie was a kick ass sequel, seriously. It is the standard 90 minutes, but it flew by. There's not even much death for probably the first 45 minutes, but once the killing starts, it remains. Chucky is at this military academy hunting for Andy when he realizes he could probably take this other kid Tyler instead, and Andy is after Chucky and there's also military dudes around and the movie moves at a great clip.

The acting is fine, the pace is great, the doll is fun to watch, and there's moments of comedy, self aware and otherwise, that elevate the movie. Characters like the crazy barber and the geeky friend and the decent girl make you grin and enjoy it. Also the movie doesn't take itself too seriously while also not jabbing you in the ribs and saying "Get it?! It's a stupid killer doll!"

Just like in part II, where the end was this kick-ass half hour long segment in a doll factory and super fun to watch, in part III here the end is in a haunted house! It's of course the most extravagant haunted house ride in human history, but it's so fucking cool to see, it's all practical and real, and they did a good job of attempting to top the sheer insanity of the previous films.

Fuck dude, I liked this more than I want to admit. It's a great sequel, I'd say it is better than the third of...Any horror movie? Let's see. It's better than Nightmare on Elm Street Dream Warriors, definitely better than Halloween: Season of the Witch, better than Scream 3 by far, Friday the 13th part 3 for sure... It might be one of the best 3rd part movies ever, realisitically. I give it 4.5 stars.

Nostalghia - 1983

I might have watched all the Tarkovsky that I'm going to. Sure, one day I might take a bullet and watch Andrei Rublev, but that day will not be soon, rest assure that. It's just fucking too long. Speaking of long, this 2 hour film may be one of the shortest Tarkovsky flicks.

Andrei Tarkovsky is one of the front-runners of an obscene, almost obsessive level of minimalism. Inside that mininimalism, there is gorgeous photography, immaculate design, and obviously wonderful composition, so it's like if you went to a museum but you had to stay there all fucking day. C'mon, at some point you just wanna go outside and have a little stimulation. Now, mind you, this movie is short for him, but it just crawls by.

Andrei is a Russian man who comes to Italy to research Pavel Sosnovsky, an 18th century composer. While he is there, he begins to feel nostalgic for Russia, and he encounters some strange offbeat characters. He meets a local somewhat crazy acting man, Domenico, who has stories about the upcoming end of the world and is a bit of a theatrical performer and zealot. Domenico talks Andrei into helping him stop the world, by walking a lit candle across a pool of water. That's basically the plot.

It's thin, it's vague, and you won't really know that's where this is going. Instead, you'll have long, detailed shots of intensely artistic but also intensly unknown goings-on and if you're like me, you'll sit there saying "this looks awesome and all, but what the fuck is going on?" In that way, it is similar to Mirror, The Sacrifice, and even Stalker. There's a contemplative, examining approach, and he is perhaps the best I've ever seen at doing that, but shit yo, you gotta be in the mood.

There is also a certain poetic, haunting, and very addictive feel to his films though, and since there is usually a "thing" that happens in the end, it can be looked at perhaps the most slow burn films of all time. They're very atmospheric, and certainly influential in that way.

I find this movie extremely hard to rate, so I'd have to compare it to his other works. I would say, I liked it more than some, less than others, which puts it probably at around a 2.5.

Rewatch 2025:I'm rewatching all of Tarkovsky's films, and on rewatch I like this a whole lot more.  I think context of his other films really elevates Mirror and Nostalghia the most, because they're the most intensely Him.  In the background, minimally, at one point is written 1+1=1 and I think it is this idea and many others one must contemplate when watching this film.  This is a clear masterpiece that I would now give 5 stars.

Horror Rises from the Tomb - 1973

I think I pretty much "Requiem for a Dream 'Back-to-back scened'" this one with the Crucible of Terror, and shit, I'm 1/25th done with this set already! I joke, this set is gonna take me friggin' forever.

Horror Rises from the Grave aka Horror from the Tomb is one of these where I read the IMDB and I'm like "Uh, did I finish this one?" I'm sorta sure I did, I think? I seem to remember it ending rather abruptly and that I might've poured myself my favorite drink right now, the manhattan with Willett rye and Carpano vermouth. No ice, no cherry.

Paul Naschy did star in some movie which was pretty boring and very forgettable. I would rewatch it but we know that ain't happening. 3 stars

Crucible of Horror - 1971

Alfred Pennyworth. Batman's famous stuffy cohort and friend. Played with expertise by, recently, Michael Caine, and historically by Alan Napier and Michael Gough. This was my introduction to Michael Gough, one of the stars of this movie. Fucking Batman and Robin. How sad.

Michael Gough was a Hammer Horror star alongside Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. He had a long intro in his career with horror, in a way that actors just do not do any more. He lends stiff British credence to Crucible of Horror, the oddly names subject of this today't entry. Today's entry is also from...dare I say? Some new 50 movie boxset. Homie.

Michael Gough and no one else really star in this slow burn entry. Gough plays a hard-driven, tough love kinda father. He is a total asshole to his daughter Jane, and is probably supposed to be a asshole to his wife as well, but he is specifically seen beating his daughter in one scene. One day, the wife looks at the daughter and says "let's kill him". What unfolds is their sinister plan to do away with the mean patriarch.

It's average in terms of what you expect... I guess it's not so much a spoiler warning, but once they do away with Gough, his body keeps on vanishing and some mystery calls are being made with a male voice saying to check on the whereabouts of his body. That's the "Horror" in the film. Also, there is another film that exists called Crucible of Terror. One of you guys needs to change your movie name, dudes. This one is alternately known as The Corpse, which makes more sense.

Gough's son in the movie is played by his real life son Simon Gough, and Jane was played by his fiancee. It's a nice family affair in other words, and it's decent enough. If you're in the right mood, I'd even say it approximates "good". Just, you know, slow. A little bland.

The Night of the Hunter - 1955

Last night, I got a bit drunk and felt like popping in The Night of the Hunter. Another film which, although I have contemplated purchasing it many times, I haven't rewatched it since I saw it in high school film study class.

Robert Mitchum stars as a crazy, instense, disturbing preacher in this film which was, simply put, WAY FUCKING ahead of it's time. My memories of this film stood up in other words, and it is a sight to see certainly. Early in the film we meet the preacher. He's obviously a bit unhinged, and as he drives into town, he talks to his god, asking god what's next. Another widow, he asks? He is a bonafide lunatic and serial killer, but held together and with a charismatic, enigmatic presence one would be hard pressed to define.

Peter Graves plays a small part as a bank robber and father to our two main characters, kids John and his younger sister Penny. Graves gives the kids the $10,000 he got from his life of crime, making them promise they'll never tell anyone about it. He is hauled off to jail where his cellmate is the preacher, and he learns of the money. The preacher goes off and eventually find the kids, who now have a single mother, and the preacher gets hooked up with her. Immediately John senses something is off with the preacher despite Penny taking an immediate liking to him. Once the preacher stops treating them nicely and starts asking about the money, however, the kids take the cash and run, only to find themselves being relentlessly pursued by him...

It's the whole picture. There are shots in this film that were so good and so memorable that I remembered them now, 17 years or so after I first saw this film. There is a strange, electric atmosphere to the film, aided by the music, the stark characters, the acting, and the main villain of course. Robert Mitchum turns in a delivery of a truly sinister, ambiguous, trickster of a man. He is demonic in his portrayal, extremely sadistic and twisted and yet muted and diminutive. There's also his haunting song, Lean on Jesus, sung as both a foreboding threat and a calming tune.

There's literally endless things to talk about here. Whether it's the wedding night of the preacher and the kids mom where he guilt trips her with a ahead-of-it's-time talk about sex, or his chasing the kids into a lake with a knife, or the frankly horrifying way which he murders their mom, or the amazing shot of the horse walking along a hilltop in a moonlit night, or the sly looks he shoots different characters at different times. There's hardly a missed step in this film.

Critics agree with me, and it's looked at as one of the scariest films of all time, and certainly one of the most poetic, haunting, and fairy tale like stories I've seen committed to celluloid. I give it five gleaming, shining, illustrious stars. Another film which makes me wish I hadn't handed out so many of these high ratings, cause this is next level 5. This is 6 stars.

Universal Soldier: The Return - 1999

I guessed this was later on, but also cause I thought this was the fifth one in the series. This however, was the fourth one. I was so far off.

JCVD is becoming my staple in this blog recently. I've just been renting whatever the library has with him, and these giant multi-pack DVDs are perfect for me. I put this on, I might have been drunk, I really don't remember.

Bill Goldberg, Michael Jai White and of course JCVD star in this tired, tired entry of the series. And you know what? It's okay. In this one, JCVD is the good guy and he is basically Kyle Reese from Terminator, protecting various people from these sorta maybe cyborg-ish baddies coming. These baddies are mostly Goldberg, who shows his strength by especially doing a spear on a lab technician once. Then randomly Michael Jai White also shows up, as another baddie who JCVD has to combat. It's all whatever.

The music was pretty awful also. It's that real, real late 90's nu metal and it was downright laughable. Check out the tracklist:

1. Crush 'Em" – Megadeth
2."Remain Calm" – One Minute Silence
3."Awake" – Clay People
4."Crazy Train" – The Flys
5."Bled For Days" – Static-X
6."Fueled" – Anthrax
7."Majic, No. 3" – Jact
8."Hatred" – D Generation
9."Securitron (Police State 2000)" – Fear Factory
10."Eureka Pile" – Ministry
11."Chaos" – Tim Skold
12."Saddam A-Go-Go" – Gwar
13."Target: Devereux" – Don Davis
14."Supernova Goes Pop" – Powerman 5000

Great shit. I give this movie 2 90s stars.

Blown Away - 1994

Holy Shit. Shit is capitalized here on purpose. The 90's man, the fuckin 90s amiright? I sandwiched this film into my recent exploits of 1940s dramas and comedies. I also watched Gone With The Wind... I'd give it 2.5 stars.

I'm hungover and/or maybe still drunk from last night, I'm heading off to work, but I wanted to at least start on Blown Away review. Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones star in this ridiculous should-be-cult-classic.

It's adrenaline from minute one with Jeff Bridges as a bomb defuser who works in LA or NY or somewhere like that. He is the best in the biz, obviously, but he'll put his skills to the test when Tommy Lee Jones breaks out of prison in the first few minutes, constructing a toilet bomb and blowing away the wall of his cell. If that's an indication of how this movie is going to go, you're in for a real fucking treat. And you know what? It is. A fucking treat.

This movie was awesome. It was epic. First of all, the acting is so bad-it's-good as Tommy hams it up AND tries for an Irish accent. Then, Jeff Bridges is solid and brings huge gravitas to a pretty thinly written character. He leaks occasional accent work in, as his dad Lloyd Bridges plays a giant stereotype Irish weirdo. There's also about 6-8 massive explosions or explosion oriented scenes in the film, for the bloodhound in ya that wants to see actual explosion work from the 90s when it wasn't fuckin CGI.

Besides the awesome explosions, there's a Bushmills slammin TLJones and Bridges, there's Forest Whittaker as a tricky, intelligent other bomb expert, and then there's Jeff Bridges wife, also thrown into the plot. It keeps the movie moving super quick, and it's a fuckin thrillride to watch. They had special cameras and sometimes take them inside the mechanisms of the bombs, which is really fun and innovative. It makes it very clear that danger is around every corner, and even though there's not a single scene where Jones is making or preparing a bomb, they nonetheless appear all over the fuckin city.

This movie kicked ass. It reminded me of those fun 90s flicks I love like Independence Day, and it wore it's 90s-ness on it's sleeve. I give it 5 stars.