Thursday, September 10, 2015

Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return - 1999

This movie couldn't have been made in any other time than the 90's.  It's got that mix of flash editing, overacting, and "dark coolness" that it tries really hard to achieve.  All it's missing is some Nu Metal on the soundtrack and this thing would date itself faster than a Now That's What I Call Music mix-cd.  It went direct to video because there was a 0% chance it would succeed in any other way.

It does have actors, and apparently some actual work went into this movie, which I can't say is a good thing.  Why does it feel like right now I'm either watching 1 star or like, 4+ star movies?  Where's all the middle range forgettable classics that leave no impression and are just movie movies?  I miss the 3 star rated films.

There are 5 huge paragraphs worth of plot on the Wikipedia page.  Jesus fuck, do NOT read that.  The movie is about the re-animation of Isaac through short actor John Franklin.  Regular teen girl Hannah comes to Gatlin where the movie takes place, her presence awakens Isaac, who was in the first Children of the Corn (don't remember) and he's been in a coma since.  Anywho, he awakens, he's evil, wants to fulfill a prophecy about He Who Walks Behind the Rows (HWWBTR).  Yep, remember him? HWWBTR is talked about in this movie a whole shitload.  I think that exact phrase is said like 179 times.

But this movie was stupid.  Right when Isaac is at his height of evil-ness and resurrects HWWBTR, it turns out HWWBTR has been around a while already, playing innocently as Hannah's love interest Gabriel.  Gabriel then kills Isaac.  Then Gabriel gets killed.  What?  So the whole 6 movies we've been waiting for HWWBTR to show up, then when he does he kills his cohort and promptly dies?  And in the meantime displays virtually no special power besides being able to walk on the wall?

Most of the actors involved in this haven't been in very much, and I looked through most of their IMDb pages only to not be surprised to see most of them haven't had real work in years.  Stacy Keach is in this movie, in a tiny role, and he does nothing of value.  Nancy Allen was also in the movie, and she looked really old which was depressing cause I liked her in the Robobcop movies.

This movie was fluff, forgettable, fast-forward fodder.  I should just invent that as a rating system.  FFFFF:  Fluff, Forgettable, Fast Forward Fodder.  Help me think of more F's.  How about Failure, Fatiguing, Fuck-it (as one word, with the dash?) Eh, I'm over it.  Move on.  So it sucked, what of it?  What are you gonna do about it, bitch all day?  Yeah, actually that is what I'm going to do about it.  I plan on bitching about this movie as long as I fuckin want to.  To all my readers.  Read my stupid review, you.  Read about how I hated this retarded movie.  Read it.

Update 9/17/15:  I'm not promising that I'm going to finish Children of the Corn anymore.  I will ideally see the first and second ones, but I started Children of the Corn 7: Revelation, and just, no.  No.  I also don't have high hopes for the 2009 made-for-tv remake of the original CotC, nor do I particularly want to see the 2011 CotC: Genesis.  I just....I dunno.  No.  Fuck that.

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