Witchcraft XIII: Blood of the Chosen - 2008

 I can't do math.  I knew that that last 3 of this series were all filmed at the same time, so I thought to watch that trilogy next.  But I loaded Witchcraft 13 not doing math right cuz that trilogy actually would have started at 14.  Duh.

Filmed in 2005 and released 3 years later, this movie represents the odd gap that eventually happened in the Witchcraft series.  There was only one movie between 2002 and 2016 and this is it. So did this kill the franchise?  Doesn't seem so, this is about normal fare for the moment.  Except, it does represent the oddness of slowing the nudity and slowing the cheese factor down and replacing it with boring PG feeling blandness in feel.  Also I will see if 12 explains this but in 13 and 16 at least Will now has super powers?  Its just fucking stupid dude.  Why can he shoot electricity and shit?

These movies didn't have a lot to go for them to begin with, so its strange to me they would get rid of two of the largest fun factors to be had.  There's so ritualistic killings that Spanner is brought in to investigate, again, in this one.  When hearts are being ripped out and demonic creatures are seducing people, Spanner is brought in because of his connection to Garner and Lutz, who are not in this movie.

The end of this series is going to be a slog.  I'm going to save Witchcraft 12 for a reprieve after I watch 14 and 15 next.  But yikes.  This is off to a bad start.

Witchcraft VI: The Devil's Mistress - 1994

 Also maybe not seriously but jokingly known as Witchcraft 666.

Witchcraft 6 I toyed with the idea of giving 5 stars.  Note that in this case it would obviously be a 5 star rating within the series of Witchcraft films!!!  Not in General.  Again, we are not comparing to Weapons, to The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari, to The Exorcist.  

Ratings are tricky because they seem like you are comparing things to everything under the sun, no.  No I am saying within the Witchcraft series, a series of absolutely no fame and zero interest and complete dismal F level grade entertainment, this is a 5 star film.  Why?

Sex, plot, comedy that's actually kind of amusing, and it moves fast.  I mean here's the thing:  You can't really ask for a lot more than that.  Given that this series has only delivered spills and not thrills or chills I am not asking to be scared.  I am not asking for cool monsters or effects.  No.  These are dialogue heavy, actor light, nudity filled sleazefests with smell like they would have lice and exclusively drink malt liquor while they eat processed cheese.  These movies suck.  So in other words, this is a bad good movie.

There's a some killing and Garner and Lutz in their first appearance recruit Spanner to help them solve it.  They link to evil psychic villain Savatini who tried to turn Spanner to the dark side with temptation of a few women, and in the meantime Spanner's girlfriend is also in danger.

Its simple, it's straight forward, its got loads of breasts and bush in it, it has stupid dialogue and effects, its a fucking romp.  Its this mode that got me into the series and if it stays in this mode its this that will keep me going.  5 stars.

Witchcraft VII: Judgment Hour / Witchcraft VIII: Salem's Ghost - 1995/1996

 Witchcraft 7 is another return to sleaze and a movie which apparently I finished and I absolutely have no memory of.  This could have very well been last Friday when I went out and crushed about 4 beers in 2 hours, that might have something to do with it.

This entry has vampires seducing and killing people, Will Spanner is on the case, joining Lutz and Garner.  Gosh, I wish I could say I remembered much about this movie, but whatever hazy drunk memory I had is completely gone.  I think it was a bit less sleazy and a bit more just boring/generic, but who knows.

I feel like it should get like a 2.5

Witchcraft 8 is a standalone departure from the series, as it shipped out of Troma production and into the hands of another company.

A warlock is killed, cut to present day and the warlock is under the house this new couple in town just bought.  This attempt at a comedy has the warlock come back and fuck with the town and the new couple, where it manifests itself in the people surrounding the house and controls them to various extents.

This is a lot more what I might have expected from this series at this point.  I would have expected just some bad comedy standalone non-horror low budget "thing" which although this is clearly C class, it's not like TERRIBLE, its just not at all good.

Some Steve Guttenberg look-alike stars in it, and the actors aren't like the worst thing ever but this is so little scale and so terribly written that it just kinda feels like a dud.  Even with abundant nudity, this is the type of thing which feels like the Skin-emax, softcore plotline, but without enough nudity to quite be that.  I give it a 1.5

Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh - 1997

 Thiiiiiis is what I'm fuckin talking about!

I delved into the beginning of the series then I took a detour to the very end and met in the middle and its movie to the epitome of my point in the review of Witchcraft 3 and 4.  

Sleaze.  The first 31 minutes of this movie are basically nudity city as we follow a prostitute on her job.  Will Spanner is dead and his ghost is walking around in stupid but fun shenanigans, and this lady is fucking random dudes in scenes which are way too long and have nothing to do with the plot but do have nice breasts and lingerie.

Will discovers that she can hear him, due to a coma she had (?) and he is now needing her to help him out.  This movie introduces us to detective Lutz and Garner, who I guess are in Witchcraft 7 and not 8 which is a standalone film.  Ladies and gentlemen, I might skip right to Witchcraft 7 after this to watch the Lutz Garner trilogy.  Oh never mind.  Apparently they're in a ton of these, including Witchcraft 16.  Did I blink and miss them?

This is a welcome return to the style I first saw in these films, and really a style which established itself more in the sequels.  Apparently I picked the exact right place to begin watching these movies.  Number 5 may be a real standout.  Witch 9 is really good, the sleaziest so far, and with the ghost aspect thing going on, its a fun watch.

Multiple buxom women getting topless throughout, multiple rape scenes, multiple pointless sex and strip scenes.  I wonder if any women like movies like this.  I love it.  4 stars.

Witchcraft XVI: Hollywood Coven - 2016

 It seems that 3 Witchcraft movies were all filmed around the same time in Los Angeles and the franchise has now lain dormant for 9 years.  I saw online Witchcraft 17 has been greenlit but who knows.

Witchcraft 16 is a really bad movie.  It's plot revolves around a group of actors who are all trying out for a long running horror franchise called Crystal Force and its the best this shitty script can do to try and be meta, also by giving terrible actors awful dialogue about being terrible actors who have awful dialogue in these movies.  

It seems they watch Crystal Force movies and vaguely somehow different people have power and somehow something else is going on, I could not tell you at all what the plot in this movie is.  Because in part this movie feels impenetrable, and in part the movie within a movie and the movie itself scenes are indistinguishable.  Perhaps on purpose, but still I have no fucking clue what is going on.

What happened to the nudity, what happened to the good music, what happened to the fun D grade level?  Well its kinda just not there, and something have been replaced with the 2016 equivalent, such as awful CGI.  I can tell the Witchcraft series will slowly turn into this, so all I can say is that I'm glad I have like 6 more movies to go that're filmed in the 90s and still have some DIY charm.

This movie is not unwatchable.  But it's close.  Half a star.

Witchcraft III: The Kiss of Death / Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart - 1991 / 1992

 I think the key part of my enjoyment of this series is something I just landed on and is a clear differentiator movie to movie but also the key difference of what makes these low budget schlockfests different from the Hellraiser low budgets - sleaze. 

The Hellraiser films certainly dabble, especially the first one, and the ones that are into that are the best, and the thing with the Witchcraft movies is that most of the are into it, and most of them are good, so far.

We can even trace it back to the first and second Witchcraft films, which are incredibly light on sleaze and though I appreciated Witch 1 for what it was, it was not sleazy and it was not in the same vein of enjoyment as say a Witchcraft 5.  Witchcraft 3 and 4 here are both pretty fuckin' sleazy, grimy movies which really REALLY match well in that ultra low budget, amateur made film sorta way - these things just absolutely go hand in hand, and really amp up the levels of enjoyment here.

Witchcraft 3 involves a dead lady that maybe her 15 year old younger lover murdered, and Will Spanner is a newly graduated public defender or something who is involved in the case.  The plot is heavily involved in the slow seducing of Will's girlfriend by the evil guy Louis, and the cuckold angle and the weird sexual dynamics are where the sleaze comes from.

Witchcraft 4 is concerned with Will getting involved with Belladonna, who works at a strip club and is involved in a case with a dead woman.  He uncovers a sinister plot where people are selling their souls, and there's a couple creepy rapists and weirdos.  Definitely a bit more of a noir-inspired smoky hazy detective flick, this one is a tone shift from the first 3.

I mean, again, these aren't worlds better than your average Hellraiser sequel and these are lower budget and sometimes a lot less propulsive, definitely less scary violent or gory...  But somehow I am still having a good time with these.  I give Witch 3 a solid 3 stars and Witch 4 a 2 for being a lot less exciting in tone.