Thursday, February 4, 2016

Creature - 1985

Well, 1985 is pretty close to 1986.  Although, also look for my upcoming review of Highlander from 1986.  86...d6....6...ix....  Sorry, I guess that was the echo.  I'm starting to feel like this blog is over.  I decided I can pull through to the one year mark.  Then it will survive as a record, if you will, of what movies I watched in a year and what I thought about them.  I dunno.  I was thinking about it in the shower this morning, let's see if I can express it:  the concept of money has been said as "the rich get richer while the poor get poorer" right?  I feel like the internet is the same thing.  Like, if you start out with zero readers and no fan-base, unless you get incredibly lucky, you will stay that way.  You have to have someone reading your thing in order to feel the need to continue.

I really could not say exactly whether or not anyone has ever read this blog.  This website host, blogspot, totally fucking sucks in that way.  They count MY views of the blog in the total views of the blog.  So every time I look at it, it counts as a view.  Thus, I don't know if all the views are all due to me, or if people have stumbled upon this blog.  I also don't know how the fuck google works, but when I google "grindhouse review" this blog simply does not come up.  I added "blogspot" and the only mention of my blog was like page 4, and it was this informational page:

I would continue, if I thought anyone was going to read it.  And it's not necessarily that I want to be famous or even internet famous.  It's just part of the system, writing to be read, not just writing to sit on the internet and decay.  So I dunno.  I'll slow down, that's for sure.  I feel it's pretty uncommon for me to watch a review-worthy movie and NOT write a review of it.  Hell, I've even written several reviews about movies that don't need to be on here.  Creature from 1985 is going to be one of them.

What do you have in Creature, from 1985, starring Klaus Kinski and Ferris's dad from Ferris Bueller's Day Off?  You have an automatically dispensed Alien clone that actually had the guys from Aliens (before they did that one) to work on the special effects.  Thus, the effects are good.  However, it's a mostly uninspired, if serviceable, sci fi flick.

I was going to make a remark about the director, William Malone, being mostly in the realm of TV.  His IMDb profile reads like how I think of my life sometimes:  Started out really cool, with some original sci fi movies, then dabbled in TV for a quite a while, then made some shitty newer horror movies, some more TV, then hasn't directed anything since 2008.  I realize how depressing my life sounds now....  Anyway, then I scroll to the comments section of his page, and someone is calling him a visionary, and part of me (a small part) feels better.

Here's a guy that is only 63 years old, could definitely direct again, but let's face it, he probably won't.  He has come and gone like so many.  Since no one gives a fuck about directing TV shows, he inflicted a total of like 3 of his own ideas onto the world.  He won't be remembered, in the long term of Hollywood.  Yet someone out there loves him, thinks him a visionary.  I don't mean to rag on William Malone.   I'm just saying he's not like an "award winning" director.

His only remaining story be told is what people will think of his movies when they stumble across them in the future.  I remember when the commercials were on TV for his horror movie Fear Dot Com.  This was in 2002, and the internet still sucked big time.  It was the first real website themed horror movie, I think, and looked all sorts of shitty.  Out of curiosity, I went to their website, and this is what my browser told me:

Ah, isn't that just perfect?  It so symbolizes exactly how much "impact" movies have left us with.

I dunno.  I admit this is not per say an in depth review of Creature.  Here we go, three sentence mash up review:  In Creature, there are two primary outer space groups, the Germans and the US.  The US stumbles across something that the Germans found, only it turns out the Germans are now dead and there is some sort of creature that's out there and hunting people.  Tensions among the American crew are high and now that they're being hunted, who can say what their fate will be?

Klaus Kinski is pretty over the top, not his best acting job, and Lyman Ward doesn't make a great choice for a badass.  There is a Ian Holm-as-Ash-like emotionless human female who is okay, and there are a couple scenes of breasts.  All in all, that is your average example of a cash-in rip-off type movie.  Although the atmosphere is decent, the monster decent and the acting decent.  So I guess that's about 3 stars.  To be honest, I get this one confused with the other Alien rip-offs: Forbidden World, Galaxy of Terror, and Inseminoid.  And, now, Shocking Dark.

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