Hellraiser - 2022

 And thus, the cycle comes to an end.  Sounds like an apt Pinhead quote, since I don't have a real one I'll just make one up right?

Hellraiser had fallen completely off the radar of all somewhat respectable folks by this time.  Lingering in straight-to-DVD hell since Hellraiser 4, the majority of the series was now something a fan would have to actively seek out should they be interested.  Budgets had been slashed, main characters killed off off-screen in horrible detective movie sequels, actors had left, there was basically no choice left but to reboot the series.  It comes out straight to Hulu, which is the equivalent of straight to DVD now.  Step up?

The big news on the release of this newest installment was that Pinhead was now female.  It is so odd and stupid what people choose to complain about sometimes.  There is a lot to say about this movie, and specifically what doesn't work with it, but female Pinhead is not high on the list.  I mean, the woman who plays her has zero charisma, barely any lines, and doesn't get to do anything cool in the movie, how about complain about that instead?

The main character looks like a boy in a wig first of all, and a wig that's like "80's hair metal band" themed.  I could not take her seriously, and she's not a great actor either, so start there.  And then, add in a 2 hour movie where it ponders around and there's a LOT of nothing happening in this movie.  

The plot is basically thin to nonexistent - a young group of friends gets ahold of the puzzle box somehow, and play around with it, they almost specifically do not open it in the traditional way (?) but cenobites come anyways, and some of the people are killed off, and yeah, I dunno.  That's all. 

I paused this minimally 8 times to see how much was left.  It would feel like a gigantic amount of time went by, then I'd pause again, and only like 6 minutes had gone by.  This thing oozes by SLOW dude.  Pacing is definitely a problem, and the other problem is basically nothing happens in this fucking movie.  I couldn't even tell you how it ended, and I basically watched it less than 48 hours ago.  It officially does not retain any kind of memory.

I wish there had been some redeeming factors, but this is firmly in the bottow of the franchise for me, which goes more or less, from worst to best:

Inferno aka Hellraiser 5

Judgment aka Hellraiser 10

Hellraiser 2022 aka Hellraiser 11

Hellseeker aka Hellraiser 6

Revelations aka Hellraiser 9

Deader aka Hellraiser 7

Hellworld aka Hellraiser 8

Hellraiser 3

Hellbound aka Hellraiser 2

Bloodline aka Hellraiser 4

Hellraiser

This one gets like 1.5 or something.