Get ready, patient reader, because I haven't seen anything I disliked in a very long time. I was in a self-defeating, angry, weird mood yesterday. I left work, I went home, I bundled up cause it's fucking cold right now, and I put on Grotesque.What did I want? Something that either of these two posters would promise me. Poster on the right here looks like a fun 80's romp filled with Linda Blair and stereotyped film punks. Left looks like a weirdo arthouse thriller. Sure! Give me either of those!
The actual delivery however... Oh man. Holy fuck. This one was BAD. As in B A D bad. I'm literally tying to think of a good thing about it. I'm not going to give it too many points for topless female nudity, nor am I giving it anything for having a washed up Linda Blair in it. I don't know if it gets ANY points!
Linda Blair and her friend are driving to Linda's dad's house in the mountains. He's a Hollywood effects guy who retired out there, and they're gonna go visit. On the way, they run into a broken down VW van full of punks. These are the punks you'd expect: overacting to an insane degree, inconsistent, sometimes really tough other times completely idiotic. They try and get tools from the girls to fix the VW but the girls drive off. They go to Linda's dad's house, but pretty soon the punks show up to exact revenge.
I'm going to have spoilers present. Cause if that was it, sure, fine whatever. Works for me. But instead... The punks promptly start killing the family, and everyone dies. 30 minutes or so in and you kill the known actress. Now these overactors eventually find a hidden room, and inside, a deformed guy! Deformed guy gets out, and starts killing the punks! Then some of them escape and go to the police, police suspect the punks killed the family but have no evidence. Eventually the punks get cut loose, get kidnapped by Linda's dad's brother, and he reveals he too is deformed! Then we have a projection issue and pull out! And Linda Blair and co are all alive, in a theater, watching what we've seen so far! Then Frankenstein and the Wolfman are in the projection booth, and they decide to go terrorize them all! Then Grotesque ends! WHAT THE FUCK!?
The self awareness was awful, the comedy was awful, the acting was awful, the effects were awful, the locations...were good, but if that's the best thing about it...Really?! The best thing, literally, is that Linda Blair and Robert Z'dar got paychecks. Probably not for a lot, mind you. But that has to be the only redeeming factor. Which still gives it a zero in my book.
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