It was 24 minutes into Tunnels when I exclaimed "god this is dumb". And that was right before the scene where a midget was watching over people in a basement jail. It was about half an hour later, an hour in when I thought... Wait... What the fuck am I watching? Now, mind you, I had legitimately forgotten. I sat there, drunk on beer and whiskey, and I was absolutely clueless as to what this movie was, what had happened so far, and even when I had started the flick.
For a movie called, well, I thought it was called Tunnels.... For a movie called Tunnels, there's barely any fucking tunnels in it. For something about rats, there's barely any rats. Given this movies original name, Criminal Act?? There's like no fucking criminal acts taking place. God, this one was really fucking awful. Of all these thoughts I'm expressing to you here, that's the takeaway. This one was legitimately, really awful.
Aaaand, since this is already a sporadic unorthodox review, let me just, quite literally, paste in someone else's words here because this review is genuinely funny. Swiped from Amazon.
"As a lifting/carrying flick aficionado, Criminal Act is one of my favorite examples of the genre. In this film there are no less than fourteen scenes of lifting, with around half of those evolving into a full on carry. It's amazing stuff, and, with the lovely Catherine Bach getting the most carrying time, it's easy on the eyes as well. While it's not quite in league with classics such as The Big Hit (featuring Mark Wahlberg lifting/carrying a tiny Asian girl on several occasions) or Pierre de Jardonet's little-seen 1968 classic "Je vais vous porter à la maison" (perhaps the Holy Grail of lifting/carrying cinema), Criminal Act will more than satisfy those looking for maximum lift with their carry."
I love people sometimes.
I'm not going to go back to IMDb to review what was the actual plot of this movie. Basically, some female reporters decide to investigate the rat problem in their city, and it leads them underground to some tunnels, and in the meantime some terrible actors do other things, and some sort of vague conspiracy or criminal act is eventually uncovered, I don't fuckin know. Who cares.
This movie begs you, pleads you to turn it off. It gets on it's fuckin knees and says it'll suck your dick if you fast forward that fucker. It asks you to wander away in search of perhaps clothes to fold, a wall to clean, a sheet to iron. It makes you hate it. John Saxon is in it, and that's cool, and it made me think of his role in Enter the Dragon, but besides that, it fucking SUCKED. I give it zero stars.
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