At some point in the first 20 or so minutes of this one, I realized I'd seen it before. A while ago, sure. I have absolutely no idea. I live a life where I have been doing this for approximately 8 or more years pretty much constantly. By this I mean finding weird unknown of movies and watching them. It's been solid for 8 years at least, and before that I was doing it around my teen years as well. I have seen, watched part of, or at least heard of a lot of the "better known" culty or unknown of films that exist. Let's just ballpark it here. I know I didn't see Elves in the last 4 years, about. I am therefore guessing I saw it in 2011. I'm just grasping at straws. It obviously doesn't really matter, but hey, it is a ballpark guess for you, my adoring and concerned fanboys.
Elves is not the sort of movie one needs to see more than once. It's extremely mediocre, and honestly feels like the sort of thing the internet would be a bit more obsessed with, since it's got the riff-ability factor as well as that general Troll 2 feel to the whole thing. It stars Dan Haggerty, who was apparently in a show called The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams. I won't pretend I know anything about the show. Apparently he was also in a movie I reviewed here, Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan. Wow, man. That was a while ago. Going on 3 years of this blog. Be proud of me.
Elves has a plot involving a Nazi grandfather raising his virgin girl, her role will be to eventually have sex with the elf in this movie, and her offspring will be the master race. So how did Nazis get from the Aryan people to human-elf hybrids? Seems a far leap. Anyways, notice I said elf instead of elves, because there is only one elf in the movie. One elf, which is a costume, rubber faced mask and all, but no actor is listed in the credits. The elf in question is going around killing off unimportant characters in the movie, while virgin girl Kirsten connects with Dan Haggerty's character and they fight for her survival.
And you know, it is a thoroughly unremarkable movie. I may sound enthusiastic about it, but honestly I think I just feel like writing. The movie itself is completely bland. I mean sure. It has deaths, it has nudity, it has a bad elf costume, and Nazis. But it's got that blah blah been there done that feel to the whole thing, and it's not got a single moment of "good" to it. So, one ends up watching it, simply wondering how much of it could be left. Then you tack on an ending where I have no clue what happened. I may actually find another review where they figured it out. Much better answer than ever watching this again.
No comments:
Post a Comment